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Yep, it's a long one - a world of possibility
Yep, it's a long one
FRIEND: hey comfort chick

I like that. It suites me :)

so no karaoke tonight. Pooey! I had a nice dinner with some friends though. Sara always makes me laugh, thanks :) It was added to by the comments and looks by/from matt and danny.

I finally saw nolf, even it was short and he was drunk, it was good. :)~

And now

dun, dun dunnnnnn

Long and prolly boring heh hehe

So here goes. I realized just how messed up a view of relationships I have tonight. It's always been skewed.

Matt, Sara, Danny and I began discussing sex and the like. I began thinking about my relationships. More so on the car ride home than while there though. When we began chatting about first kisses, that's when my mind went . . .

It all began when I was 16 years old and recieved my first kiss. It was in the back of my minivan from a guy I did not know and never saw again. I'm not sure I ever knew his name. I find this quite amusing.

Next, I date a guy I met online. I was almost 18. This was the one and only time I was myself, no wories about what the other person thought or felt, or them breaking up with me. On the other hand, I didn;t really care about him. We were together l=a few months, and when I realized that I didn't feel the same way he did (he told me he cared about me, like a LOT) I ended it.

Next, there was a guy I met at HFS-tival. I ended up kissing him. We exchanged phone numbers. Weellll, he turned out to be a bit younger than I thought. Let's just say from his a ppearance I would've guessed 18, but he was younger than myself (16 or 17) and was even younger than that schooling-wise.

After that there was a guy whom (yep I met online) I would meet up with once in a while and just fool around with, though nothing really more than making out (kissing) except for once.

Then there was Aruba. I went with my folks to Aruba for vacation. I met this guy there. We spent most of the vacation together. He kept wanting to sleep with me. I of course said no. I barely knew the guy. Funy thing, I wrote him a letter (I promised him I would). He wrote me back. The 2nd time he wrote, it was more personal and how he wouldn't forget me, and other stuff. Unfortunately I got that one while I was dating the next guy . . .

After that I met my next boyfriend. He too I met online. I realized why I liked meeting people online. It's about the personality, not the looks. I met him, after many hours chatting online, we went and played pool. We talked a bunch and I ended up spending the night. NO, I did not sleep with him. We did not have sex until 3 months after we had been dating. On the other hand we did fool around that first night. He later admitted that he thought I was "easy" that first night, since I did anything more than just kiss. He also did not believe me when I told him I was a virgin. Well that I had been before we slept together. We were together 3 years. I loved him in the only sense I knew of love at that point in time. I see love differently now.

During that relationship I lost who I was somewhere along the path.

Then there was (yep another online )one that messed with my head. A lot! Not purposely, but it happened. I found more strength within myself by the end of it then I knew I had. When the previous one ended, at first I truly had no idea what was to become of me. I couldn't eat, I lost like 10 lbs, it was bad. I fooled around with this one the first night I met him too. We then were just friends for about 2 months or so. Sorta dated (not exclusive). Then we were just friends again. Then solo dated (exclusive). I roke up with him when I realized he wasn't going to change and didn;t have what I needed in a relationship. He and a mutual friend decided not to share with me that they had slept together before I met either of them OR (until long afterwards) that hey were sleeping together after we broke up.

So then came along my vow.

Which, if you read, I broke fairly soon afterwards. I then started again and did a good job of keeping until now. I made it about 1/2 way through my goal of 1 year (I actually did not plan on giving myself a limit but waiting until I found someone who had everything I needed).

I'm in a jumbled mind state about it currently. I have friends who are extra sensitive (to put it mildly) ~including myself~ each in their own way. I'm getting different feelings from different people. PLUS myself, whom I currently can't trust because I'm not as objective these past few days as I normally am.

I want to get all this out, for understanding. And JUST that. I don't want pity, or friends to feel pressure (or anyone else) to act any certain way. I just want people to understand where I'm coming from and how I got to where I am, I guess.

I also just needed to get some stuff out.

Random: OK, it's 4:04am and I need to get up at around 7:30am. I'm thinking I'm just gonna stay up. Maybe, maybe not. Who knows, LOL.

ok, I think I'm gonna try and get a few hours sleep.

I hope everyone is well.


1 comment or Leave a comment
musus From: musus Date: February 24th, 2002 03:45 am (UTC) (Link)
*smiles & hugs elysa* You're a terrific woman!

1 comment or Leave a comment