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BLAH (ditty blah dee dah) - a world of possibility
moowazz
moowazz
BLAH (ditty blah dee dah)
Just a quick forewarning, much of this is scattered and only parts of thoughts that I plan on embelishing (I don't think that's the right word) that I will finish later, aaah expand on, that's the word.

Nolf you are so gonna laugh after you read parts of this (if not all).

I've been re-thinking this "unrooted"thing. Maybe it's caused by me not allowing myself to get "comfortable" only in the sense of settling in because as I mentioned before I act like I've known people forever when I meet them-in that I don't act any differently than with people I have known forever.

Is this a false "closeness" or just being me? Hmmm. I think just me :)

People come in & out of our lives ~ do we ttempt to keep them after they've given us what we needed to get from them at that time in our lives or all that they CAN give at that time should we instead let them go and expect when we can give/ recieve of each other it will happen?

Two nights ago (at the time it was last night) I had a calm evening after a double show (matinee and evening) which was good especially since between all my energy given for the show and having to pee every 20 minutes starting 1/2 eay through my 2nd show (that sucked, LOL) and the previous night that was just what I needed. I saw some friends I hadn't seen in a while. One I've known since kindergarten, one since 8th grade. I decided, or realized, everyone has good qualities.

back to unrooted~ my fault, not willing to "settle in" because uncomfortable~ have been let down too many times. I expect too much? Or expected too little then?

Maybe I'm just too scared to "settle in" because every time I've been dissappointed.

NOTE: yes I am analyzing everything, possibly overanalyzing, but it helps me to get things out. If you find it interesting, or helpful, or have an opinion on it, all the better.

Now about my "doubts" somewhat recently, I think I've been attempting to be so objective lately ande ven with my expectations of it being hard to find good, or rather people who have the qualities I'm looking for, I was hoping I would be wrong about how hard it would be-I'm finding what I thought would be TO BE true. It's a hard reality to live with. I think my "doubts" were my wanting to forget this journey and it's "trials and tribulations" (LOL at myself) and just make everything simple NOW. Though in the long run it will be simpler, meaning less hardships, the way I'm doing it so I'll stick with it.

Conversation ~ from Friday night at "Mad hatter" a bar in dupont
I knew I couldn't date him. Instead of "ttraction, date, get somewhat close- oops I have to have this and you're not willing to give it" it was "I need this, you need this,they conflict. I respect your choice, understand it, wish you luck, but I csn't change my views". Yeah maybe I gave up a good time, but that's al and now I'll have more time, effort, and practice

"baby" AAAHHH. I'll explain later, LOL. Along with "scandalous" (B and M)

to look for what will lead me into that relatioinship with parallel or conjoining views of what I MUST have in a relationsip.

Last night (or 2 nights ago) jealous or appreciative of Emrys and Mark

best friend(s) can you just choose?
"you and
I are going to be"

back to that unrootedness. Sometimes, even now to some extent, I feel like I'm going in circles to trying to get out everything I want to say (because I still have more even with that circle) but maybe I need to go that circle to return to the point I was attempting to make where there was more than one reason/explanation behind it. Does that make any sense?

MUCH more, but later I needs to nap.

meez :)
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Comments
From: nolf Date: October 15th, 2001 11:05 am (UTC) (Link)
interesting. i think you are verbalzing everything that people like us internalize naturally. i don't get everything you say, but i know the feeling attached to everything.

i think we have all been, or are going to be, where you are right now. its a must, if we are to grow into what was intended

glad to see, you are at least challenging yourself:) its a sign of true intelligence
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