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Cheesy quiz, Performance and a lil complaining - a world of possibility
Cheesy quiz, Performance and a lil complaining

Which Rocky character are you?

Wanna know what's funny about that? On the first question (Who are you most likely to have sex with) I chose myself.

I'm sitting here listening to motzart. I am thoroughly enjoying it. I think it's exactly what I needed to hear, and I'm not sure why. She smiles to herself.

So I had my 2nd to last performance tonight. It went quite well. My family came. They were a good portion of the audience too!

I was freaking out right before we started. Where I stand offstage just happened to be right behind where they chose to sit. I heard one person's voice, then I heard another, I ended up just putting my fingers in my ears until we started.

So yeah, Mr Bumpkin seems to call at the oddest times. The other day when I was thinking that I figured I wouldn't hear from him again, he calls.

Tonight I, well I guess I should explain myself recently. I'm scared. I'm done, finished, completely, with a stage of my life tomorrow, actually today technically. I'm about to cry, but I don't have a shoulder to cry on.

I better clarify this. I have many friends I know I could go to, and I care about very much, as they seem to for me. Unfortunately, for myself and them, this is the kind of cry when you want someone you are intimate with, OR, just where you lay in their arms and cry and they just sit there and hold you.

You know what I mean?

And I'm not saying this couldn't be done with a friend, but for me it's too intimate and I would not feel comfortable around them anymore because I feel this is an intimate thing. I'm not sure why, maybe this just says something about myself.

Maybe this is all because it's that week of the "month" (I put it in quotes since I don't get it regularly). Maybe that's it. Maybe not.

So because of this sadness, fear, not sure exactly what to call it, and wanting to curl up in someone's lap/arms, I've been aching for "someone".

I don't want to be with anyone, or in a relationship, I just been missing that. It will pass, as it always does. In a day or so I will be my uual self, but that has been me some lately. I felt I would be lying if I did not share this.

I'm on a mozart kick now. I'm loving it too!

There goes the cat fight (yes I am jumping from subject to subject, LOL). I have a kitty staying with me, Joey, and she finally came out from hiding, and now she and the other cats are hissing/growling (yes they growl, LOL) at each other. This is good, this is much closer to them getting along! She is not only comfortable to come out of hiding and stay out, but is up for a "stand off" as I'll call it, LOL.

OK so back to my discussion. So, yeah, that's how I've been feeling.

It was intensified when a friend of mine decided to hang out with someone instead of come see my play. I do not hate him, I am not mad at him, but it did hurt. I am just being honest. (He knows this. And this is why I did tell him ~ because he is a good friend and his friendship is one worth salvaging. Bad word, but it will have to do for now).

So Mr. Bumpkin just happened to call when all these feelings were there.
To make matters worse, he was,~maybe my mind was trying to look only at the good~saying things that gave him "points" on the positive side.

OK, this sounds like I rate my friends, I do not, but I do note when someone has a quality I really like, and give myself "bonus" for having. (That was a really bad way of putting it, but I don't feel like trying to explain it the way I should in order to get the point across without the possible bad implicaitons, so I only mean it in a good way). He just happened to mention one of these.

In my the back of my mind a little voice said, just have him come over, do the girly thing and send him home. I could never actually do something like that. It would be wrong on so many levels. It would fulfill my need with the effect of hurting someone. Plus, in the end., because of hurting him I would feel bad. Plus, it would attach me to him emotionally. But I wouldn't do it to begin with, I just could never bring myself to do things like that.

I also know, in the logical objective part of my mind, I will be better of and stringer for not doing things like this. At least up to this point it has proved to be so.

Quick IM convo . . .
crawford131313: ok, cool. i'm glad :-) there aren't many people in this world like you...and getting to know you better makes me happy (not to see weird or lame...lol)
EBarron589: LOL
EBarron589: you are silly
EBarron589: everyone's unique, just not everyone's brave enough to show it
(filler ~she types as she laughs at herself)
crawford131313: and i agree with your statement about fear & uniqueness

The other thing that I've been thinking about, especially today, is what happens next. I am scared I might do what I did for a while when I took a smeester off from Oberlin (well I planned on going back at the time). I became ery lazy and it took me a while to get out of that.

This doesn't scare me as much though because I am mucho mas motivated PLUS I am working. I think in this fear I will be ok. :)

So, hmmm, I don't think I have too much else to say. I got my complaining out. I'm gonna put some pictures on my website now. :)

Here's a link to the page so you can see it when I'm done. Hit the link for the "Friends of Bundance" page.

Quick note: I really like what is entitled on my MP3 player as "Motzart in Madness". Just had to note that :)

I hope all is well.


meez :)~

Current Mood: contemplative contemplative
Current Music: Motzart - Motzart 3

5 comments or Leave a comment
schwack From: schwack Date: December 16th, 2001 08:24 am (UTC) (Link)
Hey girl, I'm sorry you'r eall kinds of scared and not feeling right and stuff.

Hehe, excellent-- I love the cam page.

That reminds me that for some reason, none of my computers want to read that CD from the other night :(

I just woke up, so I need to get a bearing on what's going on and stuff. Take care girl!
moowazz From: moowazz Date: December 17th, 2001 01:56 pm (UTC) (Link)


Hmmm, we'll hafta figure somethin out. :) (With those pictures that is).

Ok, catchya later :)
musus From: musus Date: December 16th, 2001 07:05 pm (UTC) (Link)
((smiles)) It'll all be ok. I promise.
musus From: musus Date: December 16th, 2001 07:07 pm (UTC) (Link)
Doah, I meant to use this picture. :)
From: nolf Date: December 16th, 2001 07:23 pm (UTC) (Link)
5 comments or Leave a comment