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Hmmm... - a world of possibility
As way too often for my own or anyone else's good I've been thinking, LOL. So this is gonna be a long one. (I think)

Hmmm I realized this is REALLY long, so I'm splitting it up.

So where to start, where to start. I looked at my socks yesterday. As very often, they didn't match. While in the green room (backstage) during rehearsal I realized something. One sock was from each of my pasts. (I've only had 2 serious ones, boyfriends). Tha was odd.

Previously during the day I had gone and spent a nice afternoon with a possible new friend. Many "flashbacks" so to speak. He is a marine. He drives a cavalier, or just stick shift for interest purpose, meaning men I have found myself attracted to that were marines all drove stick shifts. That makes it more broad. A cavalier was the exact car of my most recent serious interest though. It kind of freaked me out.

I have so many thoughts in my head going so many different directions, so bear with me if I seem to skip from one subject to the next, they do all connect in one way or another, but it may not be clear till later (and if I don't make it clear be sure to tell me).

So we went to the canal near my house, walked around on the rocks and down a path to somewhere on the potomac. It was nice. We sat and talked for like 2 1/2 hours. I began to scare myself, I so could have seen myself just leaning over and doing something I very much would have regretted. I didn't though. I much happy with myself for this.

I think this is a test for myself. As many may know, I've made a vow to myself. Lately I have been going over and over in my mind too many things, all of which the basic premise is intimate relationship(s).

I kept thinking, why can't one have a relationsihp where the premise is just "a good time" (not only meaning physical). Let me explain in more detail. If you know from the start, or rather if you know after talking with someone that a relationship with them would not work, is it even worth starting one? In my mind no. I would rather have a friendship with these people and learn what I can from them as a person, and hope they get something from me too. I would rather this because I wil always have the option of learning new things from them, whereas if I get into a relationship (this is with the premise that we know from the start it will not work out) and eventually they will be out of my life. Yes I can learn, but probably not as much as if we both continue to grow and learn things together and therefore can continue being a source of learning and enlargement from each other.

I feel every one of my friends teaches me things. Not EVERY SINGLE TIME I'm with them, but in general.

Now to get back to the "good time" relationships. Lately my mind was straying. Friday night I left a club with my friend. I actually gave out my number and tooks someone else's. Normally this would be no big thing, except for the fact that I was attracted to this person.

This is rare for me, only in the sense that, hmm let me think of the best way to put it. I am attracted by this (she points to her head). If you get me there, this is what ultimately attracts me, and %99 of the time sparks my interest also. %99 of the time when I find someone physically attractive the thought process is "oh, ok, he's cute" and then back to my other thoughts, or conversation. That's it. No more. I find "checkin out" guys a waste of time, I gain nothing.

As I said, this is %99 of the time. %1 I am actually attracted before I know them well enough to truly be attracted to them. In truly I mean here (again she points to her head). I've talked to them, so I know that I enjoy conversing, but I don't know their views on anything.

For a short while, due to events from the phone number exchange, or actually before that, through to after spending time with him, I was debating back and forth in my mind why it would be good or bad to have a"good time" relationship (as explained a little bit above and more below, not for the sole purpose of physical interests).

My theory as to why so many relationships don't work out, or if they do why there is so much fighting, and compromising when there doesn't necessarily need to be, and heartbreak when there doesn't have to be, and so much more. Many people are "in love" and yet fight all the time. The reason they don't leave, "because I love him/her". And why are there so many problems? "Because he she changed"or "They're not the same person I met".

I think many people get into a relationship because they are physically attracted, they talk, they get to know each other and enjoy each others company. They get further into the relationship and emotions for each other get stronger. One day one or both of them "changes". Or did they?

Did they really change? Maybe. Maybe not. Could it possibly be that when people first meet they are so worried about this person they are attracted to liking them that they try to impress them. One is always trying to impress the other to keep them coming back. ONce they've got each other hooked and feel comfortable in this, they let out the "real" them.

They didn't change. Most people just don't feel comfortable being themselves. They feel they need to "impress" someone to keep them around. This is why I try to just be me, always. I can walk into a room of people I don't know. Instead of worrying what they think, I wonder who's talking about what, find the most interesting conversation and join.

Current Mood: contemplative contemplative
Current Music: Alien Ant Farm - Movie

5 comments or Leave a comment
From: nolf Date: November 28th, 2001 07:31 am (UTC) (Link)
i think that is pretty much true. and i don't think it is necessarily the person in the ralationship, persay. let me make an analogy, that you will have no reality on, so it won't serve any purpose whatsoever;)

Football. I played it for years. I got to be quite amazingly good at it (or the part I did). As you know, I am a very gentle, caring, kind, non-violent person. I smile easily, I am a poet, and I am usually described as a "Teddy Bear."

Let me tell you, if you met me on a football field, you would think just the opposite. Shallow, violent, angry, insane, etc. Its called a "game-face." Without, I would not succeed in the sport. But it ain't me.

I'm sure theater folk, as yourself, have something similar, maybe as drastic (i dunno).

Well, I know people have dating game faces, too. They like to look as appealing as possible in every way, to attract a mate. Does this mean lying, bending truths, being someone you're not, a lot of times, yes.

Game faces can be very dangerous. I know this first hand. I turned down college scholarships to play football, because my game face was taking over my life. I began to view things off the field, like i was on it. Like my life was kill or be killed. It wasn't, but that was my perception of it. I began living my life in a way that haunts me to this day. My creativity was gone, and i had just become another bad person, adding to the statistics of the justice department. So i gave up football. It took a year to return to normalcy. I still have bouts of rage. Life was easier when i could violently solve my problems. I am good at that. I am at an advantage at that. But it isn't what resides inside me, and i gave it all up, to preserve what does.

This same way i got stuck in my gameface, people get stuck in their dating faces. When they get confortable with someone (significant other), they drop those faces, because they are no longer on the "prowl." they no longer have to lie and cheat their way into someone's heart. They are there already. And when this happens, the true self is shown. Sometimes it works, and they adjust, and other times, they don't.
musus From: musus Date: November 28th, 2001 12:29 pm (UTC) (Link)

I am not worthy.
moowazz From: moowazz Date: November 28th, 2001 02:51 pm (UTC) (Link)

Not worthy of what? I am sure you are worthy, but, umm, if I don't know what it is of, I can not say.

Silly boy

I hope you feel better

musus From: musus Date: November 30th, 2001 12:37 am (UTC) (Link)

Well, part of that post (I think) was my feeling immensely out of it--people say I was acting really odd (more so than usual) that day because of getting hit in the head...go figure. But, I distinctly remember the thoughts & feelings I had after reading your post... I felt like I should be tarred & feathered in a town square or something. I realized that I do this...I have that "new friend" face. I tend to be a little more polite than I would otherwise & those sorts of things.

Wait...I should be careful how I say that... I didn't really just realize it...it was more like you called it more into my conscious. You know?

Interestingly, in looking back at my life, as I have matured, I have done less & less of that "fronting" (as it were), and more of just being myself. I know it has a lot to do with my past & the kinds of situations my parents would create so that I felt like people wouldn't really want to know the 'real' me. But, as you (or maybe it was Nolf) said--I think someone said it..chuckles.., you can only keep that 'charade' up for so long. Ultimately, you are still you. As sad as it is (because of my past) to say, it's similar to alcoholism. Psychiatrists/Psychologists are now saying that basically once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. By that, it's meant that if you quit drinking all together, and get "dried out," you can never have a drink again. Not even the smallest little one. Never...ever. And the reason for that is because your mind immediate reverts back to how it thought before you quit drinking. My point is --thinks, damn, I can't believe I forgot my point...ah, I know what it was!-- the alcoholic feels (in some way or another) that one quality about him/herself does not meet the expectation(s), and therefore needs a coping mechanism. Up until about a minute ago, I thought the analogy was going to fit a whole lot better than it did...but oh well. So, relating it back to my real point, every once in a while I (for some reason) feel like I have to impress a certain person (it's person related...instead of time related--in that, it's not time that dictates the pattern of the "fronting" action, but rather, the way I view the person whom I trying to impress). So, when I slip into that (alludes to Elysa's sexual pun at the party that one night) way of thinking, I have to catch it & make sure it I stop it before it gets out of control. How does it get out of control? In my life, the way that's been more common is with intimate relationships. My parents' relationship really screwed up my concept of relationships. It's not an excuse (by any means), just an explanation. Again, the frequency of this "fronting" occurring is much less than it used to be, but any occurrence is too much.

I'm sorry for the rambling...I think I'm starting to repeat some of the same concepts that originally brought up. :) So, anyway, that's (in a long, drawn out way of saying it) why I feel unworthy of someone's love. People shouldn't have to worry about whether someone is acting how they really act once you know them for a while. Although, I don't want it to sound like I "front" all the time. It's a work in progress, I guess. Like I said though, no one...especially someone whom you truly value the friendship of...should ever have to second-guess your behavior. Does all that make any sense? As usual, I'm happy to clarify anything that doesn't make sense.

All comments welcome (even though the post wasn't originally mine..lol). :)
moowazz From: moowazz Date: December 1st, 2001 01:39 am (UTC) (Link)

The "facade" or "face" is my reasoning behind being just friends with "the male species", LOL. Therefore I accept what they feel they must do or be at the time, and at the same time don't get frustrated and eventually will know tha real them. And it sounds like you learned something about yourself. Good. And realization is always the first step to change.

OK me go


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