?

Log in

No account? Create an account
entries friends calendar profile pyxie's world Previous Previous Next Next
I figured it was time - a world of possibility
moowazz
moowazz
I figured it was time
At the moment: importing books on CD to transfer onto an Mp3 player.

why I am doing this: I will be doing my long training runs alone again ( to be explained a bit further down)

what this means: I have some time to write while I wait for the CDs to transfer.

and since . . .


so I've been silent for a while.

my head however has not been.

I've fallen in love - head of heels.
I've also fought myself on this. On sharing this. On what this means. On whether I really have or just thought I had. on "what exactly is love".

anyhow . . .

the thinking to myself on this, as well as my future, and life in general - all in my head. not necessarily the wisest move - but that's what I did. I guess I didn't want too many outside influences (this is something else I'm learning about having been in a place where there is so much space it's difficult to ever feel smothered) considering I was feeling smothered by them @ the time. I wanted more input, but didn't also wanted to make sure I was making decisions based on my knowledge and how I was feeling and . . .

Hmm maybe I should start from somewhere rather than rambling on and on.

Let's start with the boy - man - my motown. I gave him this name, and he knows it's his name. This is the man I believe I'm head over heels for.

Short version - met in NZ. Started dating on, well that's not really clear, so for simplicity sake I'll stick with april 3rd. We decided to try and continue things when I left - knowing he would not be back in the states until November.

In my mind I felt I had something special - and there were little things that reinforced this feeling: like the fact that we could spend 5days (and later 2 weeks) together and still be on good terms. Ok on more than good terms. We can talk about pretty much anything - and we do. And, i'll use his words here' it's "smooth" - things just flow.

OK back to him in a bit.

I get home for about 5 days and head off to spain. My head was definitely out of wack! I stayed up late and got up early those 5 days. I felt perfectly fine though. Until about 2 days into spain I was on the phone bawling to my mom.

Can we say in need of sleep? yes - and I did so.

I walked across pain - had some issues with this and that and myself - but mainly it was a wonderful experience with way too many photos :)

Get back to the states: time to adjust to the USofA

Spain was good because it allowed me to appreciate my folks house for the ability to stay in 1 place for an extended period of time (versus moving, moving, moving). Had I come home directly from NZ I may not have appreciated this fact and missed NZ (the country, not soleley boy) much more.

Move a bit down the line - not adjusting so well.
*No job, can't apply yet as I'm going on vacation with the folks.
*Not much social interaction other than my folks
*and, how to put this simply, I'm a person who needs their own space. Someplace where I created the atmosphere - the "energy" if you will (if you don't believe in that stuff, then just think I need the ability to decide when to interact with the famioly rather than them always having access) of the space I live in.
*no clue where I wanted to live

so I was feeling a bit overwhelmed and lost and confused. then there was mi motown and our issues (I never claimed anything to be "perfect" - what fun is that anyhow? and that's part of what I love. I continually find I'm learning new things - both in general and about myself) so that didn't help things.

continue on . . . I see a friend or two. My cousin gets in town. I help with her bridal shower. things seem a bit better.

I make a decision to go back to NZ - for a few weeks. Or rather, I decide I want to. The decision is joint and dependent on if mi motown feels the same. YAY should make the answer clear.

Now on to alaska with the family - but first a few days in vancouver.

If I thought living in my folks house was rough for "personal space", spending 3 days sleeping in the same hotel room - spending the day with them and my aunt & uncle (staying in the same hotel as my folks & I but in a different room)

needless to say I was quite happy to stay home for dinner one night and have the room to myself!

one of my cousins arrived on day 3. This was wonderful! I should mention - not that I was having a HORRIBLE time, in fact for the most part everything was wonderful, I'm just trying to get at the struggle part to make clear as to how I got to where I am (at least I think that's it -???-).

Because I did have fun with my aunt & uncle & my folks, seeing gardens, taking pictures, walking around the city. My aunt was very pro "take pictures" and "wow that's beautiful" and I got to talk to my uncle - which I think I've never actually had a full conversation with him - and I got to see my folks and how well they can treat each other.

Had a GREAT time with my folks at the science center (btw if you ever get a chance and are in vancouver, go there and play). We walked in - mom says something about how all the kids are younger than me (yeah they're actually "kids"). It's all hands-on play with things type place.

anyhow . . . (sidetracked)

However, at the time I was having trouble being as positive and seeing all the good things I usually try to.

So - cousin arrives, it's nice to have none adult adult presence - maybe it's because they're related. eh, who cares why, the fact was it was nice to have him there.

alaska - wonderful,
*beautiful
*spent time with cousins
*got to do things I may not have done on my own (mushing / dog sledding)
*got a bit better at separating my feelings and others (my fears & hopes vs those of others)
*re-learned some things about me (other than the above)


got back from vacation and took some steps for me
- stepped back from depending on my folks so much for social interaction (they're there, i'm there, it's easy to fall into)
- thought a whole bunch and wrote in my journal (as I had throughout the trip)
- did a silly, but simple thing - asked myself what I would want from life if I had 1 year to live (you think of silly things when you have dentist and doctors appointments). I made a list and am doing as much of this as I can - though some I'm not rushing as I don't have a set death date.
- some of these things:

    *going through photos - hope to have a showing eventually (thanks to the push from family and friends)
    *continue running on my schedule and attempting to enjoy it (rather than feel I HAVE to do it) and finding ways to do this
    *trust in the universe (this one is rather difficult at times and I re-learn it over and over)


ok as the last few sentences I've typed have been babble or not what I quite mean - I'll leave this as is for now. and on to a photo or two :)







actually I'll put the photos out here after this . . .

short story (for those who don't want to read and Read and READ) I had some issues - with boy, life, me, pretty much all that exists, lol (not really) and now I'm feeling much better.

I'm also really excited as I'm going to see boy really soon. I wanted to share this because well honestly I'm not sure why. Maybe to make things seem more real. Maybe to share my excitement. Maybe I'm feeling back to my happy self and wanted to share it in some way for fear if it's not recorded it may just be a fantasy.

so as not to overwhelm i'll have cuts - and they're not entirely in order
hit the links under for more photos

photos
spain
finesterra - spain



el camino-spain


el camino - spain



beach & home
dewey beach



friends wedding


dewey beach


dad, me & my new bike




vacation
alaska-hubbard glacier



vancouver - elizabeth gardens


vancouver-aquarium


vancouver-science center


vancouver-stanley park outskirts


alaska-icy straight


alaska-ketchikan


alaska-juneau


cousins b-day MD





I dunno
fact: I'm happy. I haven't got anything "figured out" but I'm happy.

I hope all is wonderful

:)~


PS thanks to motown for photos of me - he asked so I took (as you prolly know by now - me in the photos is usually rare)
5 comments or Leave a comment
Comments
corto From: corto Date: August 24th, 2007 11:50 pm (UTC) (Link)
three cheers for love sugar-azzz. That is wonderful news...

May your happiness be steadfast. :)
From: (Anonymous) Date: August 27th, 2007 08:30 pm (UTC) (Link)
thank ye :)
From: myreprise Date: August 25th, 2007 12:34 am (UTC) (Link)
Hiya. If you're looking for audiobook suggestions, one of my favorites is The Time Traveler's Wife. And I've fallen for Terry Pratchett's Discworld series. The author and the readers are incredible. A good start: Guards, Guards. Be well. Jay
From: myreprise Date: August 25th, 2007 12:49 am (UTC) (Link)
I just read your whole entry. I don't understand the specifics, but the feeling comes through: You're in love. I hope it works out. You have a good heart (I know because I met you!), and I wish you the same in return.
From: (Anonymous) Date: August 27th, 2007 08:33 pm (UTC) (Link)
thank you kindly!

and thank you for reading & responses - it's really nice and I appreciate it!

as for the paths crossing (from email that will warrant a real reply eventually) - I have a feeling there is possiblity again :) especially if you keep in touch with shell as well!

I hope all be wonderful
5 comments or Leave a comment