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ramblings - a world of possibility
actually before I ramble, here is an interesting article, slightly connected to my ramblings.

I tend to get ovr-worked up, or think too much about things at times. This may be one of those times as I had too much free time this weekend and a good portion of it was therefore spent on the couch watching tv :x

Recently I've gone back and forth between being, feeling, thinking, living in a way I often found myself being, etc., at one point in my life. Some may consider or term it "manic" - I consider this way of being just an extreme passion for life.

I watched this in the sense of how I view myself and boy. A friend of mine - who is male - whom I haven't talked to in over a yearIMed me. He asked me to get together. I was worried about how to bring this up with boy. I hadn't yet told my friend that I have a boyfriend. this was not because I planned on doing anything, or wanted to, but because I have a bad habit of thinking I know people - I may often be correct, but also there are times I may not be. In this case the idea that if the boyfriend information, or similar info is shared, it needs to be shared slowly, after a "connection" (and I do not mean physical, but a connection that is shared between 2 friends) has already been made - otherwise people tend to run away before realising what they will be missing.

At the same time - why would I want to hang around with someone who doesn't want to see what I am like as a person because I interest them not as a person, but rather solely as a potential "girlfriend" or "date"? In addition, once I told boy (my boy) and he was ok with me meeting with my friend for lunch I felt better. I would never cheat on anyone, but him trusting me helps me feel better about meeting with my friend.

By putting the decisions in my hand - I trust you - I feel more trustworthy. This made me think of past relationships where I didn't trust my boyfriends. I was the one who was hurting - whetherthey cheated or not. It is once I found the frame of mind to see that I live with myself forever, and therefore hopefully can respect myself - what someone else does, while upsetting for a short time, doesn't hurt me in the long run as Iwas not the person who lied or did the deceiving. I was honest and the best person I knew how to be and that is all I can hope for.

My friend ended up bailing on me. I didn't go out of my way to contact him either - I think partially because I had a small feeling his interest was other than just friends, but I could have been mistaken - I haven't spoken with him in over a year, maybe 2 years, and didn't know him all that well.

there is just something about the bility to put decisions in other people's hands, or have them put decisions in mine that still scares me, but as long as honesty is not an issue, I think I'm ok with it :)

On another note - I am worried about boy.

hope all is well

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