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Deep breathe - a world of possibility
Deep breathe

So, I finally have two seconds to type anything up on here. I realized, at some point, I lost the motivation to try to make plans outside of homework, making the train to Long Island on Sundays, and getting basic stuff done (feeding the kittys, laundry, etc) when a friend from my internship and I continously tried to get together.

I felt like I was too drained from the week to be good company. For me socializing takes effort - not in the sense that I need to try to make sure people have a good time or anything in that respect, but more in the sense of I need energy. When I have no energy I worry about things, I overthink. Not sure if that's clear or not.

"It's just part of growing up" Your life gets filled with more responsibility and more opportunities of how to spend your time. No one teaches you how to coordinate your life - how to include friends, family, fun, and responsiblities (of course things can be crossed over, etc, and more categories, I'm just saying this for simplicity sake).

My apartment is finished -have a shower door, have a kitchen, have someplace to put clothes and computer, etc. I don't think I will ever do that again unless I am out of school and have no activities that are based on a schedule - preferably not even work! It looks nice and I'm happy with the result :) I can cook and not worry about running into a wall and I can take a shower without being worried that my feet will rot off from the gross old tub.

So now I am looking at grad schools and GRE. How boring. I am excited in some sense because it's something for me to do, to work towards - like I started looking at GRE training courses (which by the way does anyone have any suggestions of courses they found good, there are TONS of options). I then though " hey this will be kewl because, unlike with the SAT, I will actually have practice and be paying attention and I can imagine the results. With the SAT college was just a fact. You go to pre-school, kindergarden, middleschool, highschool,then college. It wasn't a choice where I came from, it was just the next thing. This is both good and bad.

Now Grad school is next. Part of me wants to go, part of me is like ENOUGH! I'm frustrated when the class is slow, boring (doesn't really "teach" anything), or the teachers treat me as someone below them just because they hold the role of "teacher". As I am older than most students in my classes (although I don't look it) I've learned to ask for what I believe should be expected by the students.

For example, last semester there was a class where the woman assigned a paper a week, and maybe a few days, before it was due. This was our final paper, and we were NOT informed about it from the start of the class. I (as well as many other students) talked with her about this. I informed her that I felt this was not fair. I explained that I had many other responsiblities that semester, and therefore had planned my work so it would be done on time (aka I worked on a good deal of it ahead of time). If she had assigned it from the start, that would have been fine. Her statement was "I asked other professors. They said they did the same thing" so she therefore thought it was ok. I asked her if the other professors had assigned the papers from the beginning or just now. She said she did not know, but that it didn't matter. To me this made a big difference. As it did to other students. Instead of taking the information from almost the entire class that the assignement was not fair - or at least the time frame we had been given - and changing the assignment, or even apologizing, she basically stated that she felt she was right and that was that. What is the point of standing up for yourself when you are not in a position to get results.

At the same time, I know I will need to deal with people like this after school, so it was a good learning experience. I can ignore it, and just get the work done, state my view, and still get the work done, or try to state my view differently. Hopefully the latter two would, at the very least, get the individual to think over their decision. Even if they don't change their mind right then, at least they would think about the point of view for future decisions (maybe).

However, on a good note, whe I was looking at grad school programs, I found something interesting. I originally (and still might be) was looking into PsyD programs - these are similar to a PhD (Philosophy Doctorate), except they are more hands on and direct at psychology (Psychology Doctorate). While looking at one of my few options (As I need to stay near enough to New York City so I can commute daily since I own the apartment - well half of it - so I'm not moving)I found and Education Doctorate - which is recognized by the APA. This may (or may not) be a kewl option. A) I'd get new information in my classes - while I was looking over the classes at the same school for a PsyD most of them seemed like classes I've already taken B) It might be better for what I want - as I want to work with adolescents in both private practice and school counseling as well as my afterschool theatre company (ask if you want more details)

I have to do more research on the other PsyD programs. There were also 1 or 2 PhD programs that might be ok. I am just not fond of all the writing and research, I prefer hands on - personally I feel that's more relevant to what I want to do.

I think this is part of why I put off making plans with friends. When I get really immersed in something - in this case school - I don't feel I have anything interesting to talk about, my life has been uneventful, but I've accomplished some stuff. I don't like talking about stuff when I think it will be boring for other people. I prefer to listen to other people's stories. In person that is. On here, of course, I just like to get stuff out, see it in front of me, give myself the possiblity of making it accesable and real - so it's not just an idea floating around in my head.

I'm still doing the acting thing where I go to LA. It should be interesting. We did a mini version here in NEw York at the Hudson theatre. IT went all right, but I don't think I did as well as I could. I'm also kickin me self in the arse fer not singning. I will however be singing in LA - I've told myself I have to. As for why no one in NY was invited - I didn't have time to announce it, and it really wasn't anything big - it was monologues, singing, dancing, etc - not a "play". I guess, my views on inviting people have changed - I used to just want people to come suppor tme. Now I want it to be something interesting to them as well as something I'm proud of - which is hard when I'm not truly sure how well I'm doing. I'll letchy'all know how LA goes in August

I don't have anything else to say at this particular moment. I'm just excited that I have spring break this upcoming week and only one real assignment to work on after I send a paper tomorrow.

I'm better with e-mails then this, maybe because it's one to one on the reading part, and I love knowing what goes on in people's life. So if you randomly feel the urge to update me on yer life - feel free.

I hope everyone is wonderful.

2 comments or Leave a comment
From: chrissyb0626 Date: March 18th, 2005 10:06 pm (UTC) (Link)
Its good to hear from you! I'm glad your doing well in everything, just be sure not to run yourself down. Take care of yourself!
moowazz From: moowazz Date: March 29th, 2005 08:43 pm (UTC) (Link)
Ya Ya! How is everything with you??? What are you up to these days? Anything new?

I hope all is well

2 comments or Leave a comment