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Hello World - a world of possibility
moowazz
moowazz
Hello World
It's been a while since Ive posted a serious entry, serious in the sense of extended and other than "this is what's literally going on in my life".

I'm stressed and frustrated and know I will not be able to go straight to sleep so I figured this may help.

Deep breath.

As I discovered and stated in a previous post (well more or less), I run myself down.


SCHOOL

My final projects for school are due this Friday and next Wednesday. I have been doing my homework for class pretty diligently. I have also been working on my final projects at a decent pace throughout the semester. It was not untl right before Thanksgiving that my patience and focus began to wear down. In my opinion that is what Thanksgiving exists for. I mean, I don't truly think the holiday itself was created for students and employees to get a break, but I do believe what schools and work have turned it into - and actual break - was for that purpose - to re-energize, to get a little time to relax in order to focus for the last few weeks of school before the big break. I mean 4-5 months is a long time to be consistently and constantly working on something without a break.

I did not get my full break. This was entirely of my own choice and doing. I chose to be in a play. I chose to see all my friends. Normally not having this break would be ok. This semester is harder than any other semester I have had or probably will have. From day one I knew I had to get A's and B's in order to get into the school. The only subject I got A's in consistently throughout my years in highschool was math. This changed my first semester of college.

Now that I was in school for something I was truly dedicated to and interested in, I had to put extra effort in to make sure I did well rather than just getting by, as I might usually do. At times it was hard, as I may have typed once or twice in my journal, because I became bored with the discussions. I pushed myself to make it interesting again. It is up to me whether I do well, not anyone else.

Anyhow because I was so interested in the subjects and at the same time wanted to make sure I did well I took on extensive final projects in 3 out of 4 classes. I have read almost as much as I read for the classes just for my final projects. I will probably be up all night Wednesday and possibly Thursday in order to finish my final project that is due Friday.

Normally this would be due to my procrastination. Yes, I still procrastinated here and there taking breaks or taking longer to get started on my work for that day, but I did not procrastinate in the sense of leaving everything until the last minute. That is what gets me the most. I spent the majority of today working on a childrens book of Gandhi's life. I am only 1/5 of the way through (I am using his utobiography as the basis - 500pgs and I'm on 100 of his on the subjects I have covered (thanks melebeth = hopefully that makes it a bit clearer)in my book. My book currently has 30 some pages. I read it all - his book -, now I'm going back and using the parts I highlighted). I am scared that I may not actually finish.

As soon as I am done with that I need to start working on my other 3 papers. 1 is basicaly done. 1 I need to put all the ideas on paper, but I have all the references. 1 I need to pick out which references I am using, but I have already read everything. Luckily these should be easier.

THE REST OF LIFE

ok, ok, that was more a joke

ME & BOY

I'm not good with relationships. I've been hurt and screwed over quite a few times. Yes, almost everyone has and each person has their own story to tell. Mine is that the result of my past leads me to be what would be called "dismissive attachment", except that logically I know he is a good person. Actually, maybe I switch back and forth between dsimissive and fearful. I had to bring in some school, lol. Anyhow - I have trouble being excited and getting to that place where I used to arrive at so easily, almost too easily at times.

I want so badly to be able to experience a relationship like I used to. I want to feel like he seems to feel. You know that ideal realtionship where you are excited just to see the person? And you miss them when you are apart? I'm not saying I don't miss him when we are apart, but it's not in the same way.

I want to be at that place where I feel comfortable on my own, but at the same time I truly appreciate the time spent with him as much as he does.

This has been especially hard the last few days when I've been so stressed over school. Even though I don't understand the need to spend time together as much as I used to or in the same way, I try my best to make time. Recently I've been spending more and more time on my homework and less and less time with him (or doing anything else for that matter ) and I see how this gets to him.

I remember being on the other side. I was blind to the fact that along with not spending time with me that person didn't spend time with anyone, because that didn't matter. All that mattered was that I did not get attention. He is a bit more understanding than I was in that position, but it's still hard. It doesn't help that my sex drive is below zero, let alone when I'm stressed and it drops even more.

FRIENDS

I miss my friends. I read about their lives here and there every once in a while on LJ or through and e-mail or if I happened to get a letter, or even more rare a phone call (I'm not a phone person). I miss living outside of school.

I want school though. And the friendships that go deep will last throughout school. They will still be there and they will understand and be patient.



Conclusion

What I have realized, however is this.

- As much as I may enjoy a topic at school and as much as I may want to do outdo myself, for the sake of school I know I do need to set limits for myself because I am human and I do need some "social time" aka not school work, as much as I may not like to admit it.

- I really enjoy school and I can do well in it. I have a goal and I can make it a reality.

- I don't need to be anything other than me. Just because I don't care in the same way it does NOT mean I don't care as much.

- I've seen that so far the majority of my friends are still there. This makes me extremely happy.

- I will have life later and this is ok.

I'm really looking forward to the cruise with my family over Winter Break!


I hope everyone is well.

I think I can now go to sleep. :)
12 comments or Leave a comment
Comments
melebeth From: melebeth Date: December 9th, 2003 05:03 pm (UTC) (Link)
Sweetie, I thought I had misunderstood you before, and now I think I didn't. You've written a 100 page children's book for a class assignment????!!!! That's not a class assignment, that's a masters thesis in creative writing. ANd while I totally understand getting involved with an assignment and wanting to take it to the next level the trick is to do a good job on the assignment during the term... and then have fun with it over break when it's not going to up your stress level. Anyway I just want to send you an enormous hug and to say.... *breathe* You've been working the whole term, everything will get done, it will get done well, and then you can have winter break. You're not like my twit student who I'm going to drag behind the building and beat up, you're prepared. And I send you love and support and good advice from the ether since I certainly don't have any in my brain. *hug*
moowazz From: moowazz Date: December 9th, 2003 09:55 pm (UTC) (Link)
eep - I should correc this. It may tuen out to be 100 pgs (who knows) but currently I am at page 30 something in MY book which is equal to pg 100 in HIS book - so don't wprry too too much :)~

I hope that clears it up.

Thank you for the support.

*hug*
melebeth From: melebeth Date: December 10th, 2003 02:57 am (UTC) (Link)
Can I offer you a professorial word of advice? Depending on your actual assignment, your professor may be really really unhappy with you if you turn in a 30 page assignment, let alone a 90 page one. I don't know what your assignment was, but if it was "Children's Book" you may want to clarify your professor's expectation because you don't want to turn in a 90 page document and then have them refuse to grade it because it's too long (It's happened. To me. I've also done it to students.) On the upside.... no matter what happens in class, you can probably submit it for publication when you're done with it and make oodles of money and become terribly famous. I'll be able to say.... "I knew her when"
melebeth From: melebeth Date: December 10th, 2003 03:00 am (UTC) (Link)
Oh, and I didn't want to say that in any stifling way or unsupportive way. Which made it hard to phrase. I found it very hard as an undergraduate to juggle the mutually exclusive balls of "doing well in school" and "being proud of my work." until I learned in graduate school to view the work and the assignment as possibly two different things.
moowazz From: moowazz Date: December 10th, 2003 04:52 am (UTC) (Link)
Nope, no bad thoughts from your reply :)

Actually it was "do whatever you would like for your final project" - assuming of course that it has to do with the class, preposterous saints.

We shall see :)~

Now I'm determined to finish just because, lol.

And he WILL read it gosh darnit!

lol

I hope you be well

*hug*
toosha From: toosha Date: December 10th, 2003 02:22 am (UTC) (Link)

I understand

I've spent most of my life being alone. That includes my childhood and such is life. It's been hard and still is for me to adjust to having someone who wants to be there all the time. Really hard at times. It's made me see how much of a hermit I am and how I need to change.

And I agree about friends and school. As with anything someone does that is important to them, true friends will always be willing to wait in the wings, not leave. We're all going thourhg changes and trying to find where we want our lives to go for the long run and I've discovered that the people worth keeping are the ones who don't make friendship a job. We're just there for eachother when needed for any reason.
moowazz From: moowazz Date: December 11th, 2003 03:53 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: I understand

*hug*

thanks :)
ellipsedream From: ellipsedream Date: December 10th, 2003 03:22 am (UTC) (Link)

whatever will be, will be...

after school is done, you should take a few days off and go stay some place all by your self and explore your surroundings with no goal other than to be. be it the woods or the city. and watch. just watch.
moowazz From: moowazz Date: December 11th, 2003 03:55 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: whatever will be, will be...

I'm definitely planning some alone time on the cruise that I'm joining my folks on. As for walks in nature, it shall have to wait until I go back to MD - I love going to the canal. I usually bring my sister's dog and do one of the parts of the billy goat trail.

:)

I hope you are well
ellipsedream From: ellipsedream Date: December 12th, 2003 04:38 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: whatever will be, will be...

that sounds like much fun. i've never been there. sounds like a good walk. my sister has a dog too. what kind is you sister's? maybe one day we can borrow the dogs and walk together...

i am very well today, thank you. :) hope you are as well too.
moowazz From: moowazz Date: December 22nd, 2003 01:07 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: whatever will be, will be...

the joke about my sisters dog - you name a breed, she probably has part of it in her. Mainly she has the body of a greyhound and the face of either a pitbull, rotweiler, and something else that I can't think of right now.

That would be nice though, I shall have to let you know next time I'm in MD and hope you are available. :)

I hope you be well
ellipsedream From: ellipsedream Date: January 2nd, 2004 12:41 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: whatever will be, will be...

heh. my sister's dog looks like a shepard, but her mom was a rott and she's got the black chow tounge. she's neat. i like her lots.

i look forward to hearing from you sometime maybe. :)

and you as well.
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