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Hello LJ - a world of possibility
Hello LJ

I wrote this at some point in the last week or so because I had turend my computer off but wanted to get some stuff out.

[Today] I came to realize I have spent a good deal of my life attempting to prove I am good enough. For what I'm good enough or to whom I am trying to prove this I know not. At some point originally It was probably my parents, and then friends, and then the world. Now I sometimes think it's me, but then I wonder why I would push myself so hard.

Only a year ago, or maybe two is more likely, I would have listed everything I have been doing and not for any other reasonthen to show the world that I am keeping busy "accomplishing 'stuff' " Now I don't feel the need to detail my life. Of course I love sharing if people ask, but I do things because I want to, not to be busy.

What is amusing is that I think I put more pressure on myself then I felt from previous sources. So what now? How to not worry so much about being this "ideal" person I want to be; Or maybe better would be to re-evaluate my "ideal".

I'm not sure what I feel currently.

I am enjoying the emersion into the many projects currently filling my ife, but always find myself craving more. I have goals and am working towards them, but at times I'm not sure why. Maybe it's the idea of needing short term goals as well as long term ones to satisfy my needs of "NOW NOW NOW".

I'm also getting use to having another human being in the same small living space as me. I enjoy it, but it is also a quick change from completely alone to complete cohabitation.

Yeah scientific term, but y'know what? I'm in 3 psych courses, what do you expect?

There's also things like the fact that he has never lived anywhere besides where he grew up, let alone New York city which can be overwhelming to anyone.

There are kinks and there are links as with any relationship. Overall I feel good though. :)

I auditioned for this part, which I really would like to do, but have yet hear back from. It is a student film. He is doing it without talking, the only sounds being water, phone, etc. It's also in black and white similar to a 1940s style he said. I would love love love to do this part because it seems like a very, I think it's not even the story itself -which is interesting- but the way he said he is going to film it that drew me in. It reminds me of casablanaca or something like that where it would give me a chance to be, I'm not sure.

I think that's what I love - and miss at times - so much about acting. I get to be all these different people and see all these different points of views and live in these complex lives; and yet in some ways they're simpler because all the parameters are set - there will be no new circumstances introduced. Things can be idealized. It is a fantasy world. And yet even these fantasy worlds have a place in reality because some part of them is based off of someones dreams or hopes or desires.

Anyhow, I've kept my self in acting surprisingly more than I had expected.

I think the only thing that gets to me about being in school is my lack of interaction with friends as well as not having time to focus much energy on any other projects. Yes, I could hang out more with some of the students, but it's not the same. The majority of them have different goals both socially and from school.

At times I feel like an outsider because I never really did the whole social aspect of school. I went from 1 semester at a "normal" college to an acting conservatory that had no dorms and the only people I interacted with on a regular basis were my parents, my classmates, and my boyfriend at the time. I rarely did things with my classmates outside of school. I even took classes at other colleges, and I had no clue how to interact because I lived off campus and was therefore not a part of the normal social scene where you run into people and there are events etc. etc.

I try to keep in touch with friends. It's incredibly hard to do on a normal basis. I guess that's where the idea that true friends will still be there even after months of just "hello" and nothing more - and sometimes not even that much. I'm not sure why I feel the need to hold onto all my "friends", like those who don't stick around are actually a statement about who I am as a person rather then something more basic - that the relationship was just never that strong which is neither good nor bad, just a simple fact.

On the upside, there are so many people I feel like I could truly talk to if I were in any sort of trouble or just needed company or an outside opinion - as well as the relationship being a good strong friendship. It makes it a treat and more special when I do get to see my friends. Maybe it makes me appreciate it more. Maybe growing up aint so bad :)~

I think among everything going on with me I feel lost. Or maybe lost would not be the word.

I'm on my way somewhere, but where?

I guess I'll have to keep going to find out.

Actually I think it's more ironic than that, I'm actually on my way towards a definite structured goal (school wise) and all previous goals have been realizable, but not structured. I'm actually going somewhere with a map and I'm not used to it. :)

I hope everyone is well :)
3 comments or Leave a comment
(Deleted comment)
moowazz From: moowazz Date: October 28th, 2003 03:00 pm (UTC) (Link)

gimme a call saturday I should be home, but not sure.

gtg class is starting

I hope you be well :
From: nolf Date: October 27th, 2003 02:15 pm (UTC) (Link)
this made me crack a big smile. thank you for sharing.

i can relate about the whole "where's this pressure coming from?" thing. i think that anyone who questions things (as you do, as you should) will come to this point, at some point(s). because, well, there are many pressure we percieve but cannot see, and there are those that we percieve that do not exist.

when i realized my pressures had gone from external to internal, i changed drastically. acutally, you met me during that transition. pretty early in it, even. maybe you could tell at the time (which would have put you at more perceptive than I :P), or maybe you can tell, now that you think about it in retrospect.

don't get me wrong, i'm not saying all pressures we feel eventually all come from within. i'm saying i can relate to the sensation of not knowing where the HELL this pressure is comign from. can you much i ramble?

its so hard to nail things like this down with words. point being, i HEAR YA:)

best of luck
moowazz From: moowazz Date: October 30th, 2003 05:54 am (UTC) (Link)

hey - you gonna be around for thanksgiving?
3 comments or Leave a comment