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PROJECT WILDERNESS - a world of possibility
As I walked along the beach realizing in little over two hours I would be driving back to Maryland and a few days later taking a train back to New York I seriously continued not turning back.

Maybe not seriously, but logistically seriously. I began figuring out in my head why I could or could not just walk - finances, shelter, food, etc. I could survive at least a few months on the money in my savings account.

I then began thinking about walking back to Maryland

which lead to thinking about possibly walking from NY to MD one day.

I was too worried about my cats to do any of these options.

I decided I want to learn how to survive in the wilderness and then either build a small house or find somewhere in the middle of nowhere and live there for a month with my cats surviving off of the land. The only thing I will probably bring is books, paper, pen/pencil, cell phone - only for emergencies -, toilet paper and maybe water.

This made me smile.

I've been feeling lost lately, having trouble focusing, and even though - yes I'm already working on a few projects - I felt good to have something new to add to the list. Something else to accomplish. My brain needs multiple goals to function or it gets bored.

I'm not sure if that's completely the reasoning though. The previous night there was an argument between my parents and my sister. I just sat and listened. I wanted to try and be neutral, try and step back to see how everyone could see each others point of views, but the few times I said something I was so infused with how I felt and the fact that they would not listen, whatever I said just came out sounding like I was blaming someone instead of saying how I felt.

Throughout the vacation I had a decent amount of time to think. I find that whenever I am feeling lost or bad about my life and myself, I'm not very good around people because I worry too much about what they think - it's like I forget how to function or something. Or maybe that's not it. It's many many things.

I walk back to the house and pack my things in the car so I am ready to leave. Almost all my things are packed when they begin packing. I sit down with my sister to watch TV since I am finished. Me dad asks me sister to help, stating that her stuff has not been put into the car yet so she can't watch TV. A few minutes later he says something in the same respect minus the part about it being my stuff - basically saying that I shouldn't be watching TV and that neither of us are better then the rest of the family - to which I get angry.

My father is not a meant man, and this is not meant to make him sound as such, so please do not take it as so. It is more meant to show something about me.

I soon after walk outside and state that I don't believe it is fair that because I started packing the car previous to them i should have to do extra work.

This statement was replied to with another statement which then lead to me getting upset because it felt like a guilt trip, but mainly i think it was because of the energy throughout the trip, partially caused by myself.

I came to spend time with my family. My sister spent some time with other friends as did my parents. I did not have friends on this trip besides the few days warm fuzzy soul visited (which was wonderful!) and so felt a bit lacking in the attention area. I am sometimes unsure of how much attention I deserve and how I should be treated by as well as how I should treat my family. Do I ask to be treated as an another adult and to be included in "adult" activities? Or do I just accept that my parents would like to spend time with other adult couples without their children?

These and many other questions swarm throughout my brain as well as why I feel the way I do about certain things at certain times.

Why did I say anything to me dad? Why didn't I just help, as I normally would, without saying anything? Because I don't like being told what to do, but why? Normally I could care less if someone was asking or forcing me - that's not entirely true, I would prefer being asked and given the benefit of the doubt that I will do the "right" thing. At the same time, if something needs to be done I do it. I like to be helpful. There's something baout communication in my family that it doesn't happen as smoothly as I would hope. Ideas get lost and distorted somewhere.

So my dad - most likely thinking I would talk to him if he was around me for long enough (because at this point I was refusing to discuss the argument) - asked if he could come in my car for the ride home. I stated that I did not care. I was as fussy as possible about making it clear that I was not going to make the trip home any easier on my mom or my dad.

I was no longer going to the outlets with my mom - because I didn't care and no longer wanted to (part of the argument that I would not continue with my father included $). I would not take the keys to drop them off at the rental office. I barely said 10 sentences - if that many - the entire trip, a little over 3 hours long.

I did, however, stop 2 times (or was it 3?) for a bathroom as well as pulling over once next to a cornfield.

I have always wanted to just run out into the middle of a cornfield, even to the point of getting lost maybe. I remembered partially mentioning this to my mom on the trip there - that I wanted to walk into one of the fields as we passed by it.

So I did walk into it and I took a picture - maybe I'll post that, maybe not.

Again I had a curiously strong "what if" statement go through my head.

"What if I just walk really far into this field and keep walking? Would my dad eventually get out and look for me? Would he even leave the state before finding me?"

I had a serious urge to just run into that field and walk around for a few hours.

Instead I got back into the car and decided to wait until a better time.

The next step: Books on survival including food and shelter.

For anyone who made it this far and is interested, I plan on filtering the rest of my posts related to the "project wilderness" - everything related to getting reay for my month long self imposed wilderness retreat. Which may or may not be solo - a friend whom I walked with yesterday stated she would be interested. Who knows.

Who knows if I'll ever get to my goal, but this will be the story of that journey both literally and otherallies (mental, physical, 'spiritual'). If you would like to be in that filter leave me a comment or e-mail me and I will put you on it.

I hope everyone is well

4 comments or Leave a comment
sassenach From: sassenach Date: August 16th, 2003 04:26 pm (UTC) (Link)
sounds like a cool project!

**hugs** it's hard working out all the weird litle things with family as we change from being the "kid" to being an adult...hang in there
moowazz From: moowazz Date: August 17th, 2003 08:37 am (UTC) (Link)
*hug* thanks :)

From: brave_heart Date: August 18th, 2003 07:37 am (UTC) (Link)
Check out "A Walk Across America" by Peter Jenkins. It's a fairly new book, although the author is writing about a walk he took in the mid-70s. Another one you might like is "A Walk in the Woods" by Bill Bryson, about hiking the Appalachian Trail.

Keep the peace.
moowazz From: moowazz Date: September 2nd, 2003 03:39 pm (UTC) (Link)
thanks :)

tis added to my list O books - probably closer to the top since I don't have too many books in that subject area to buy :)

i hope you be well
4 comments or Leave a comment