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digging deep - a world of possibility
digging deep

So I've been going through so many many emotions lately.

I'm not sure if it's me, warm fuzzy soul, or just the universe - but this past, I'm not sure how long, but pushing ans stretching of myself would be the best way I can state it. Pushing and stretching of my spirit, my soul, as well as my body - but that's a process that began quite a while ago, the physical stretching.

As most of my friends know I've had some bad experiences relationship-wise and as someone who was nice enough to read my palm while we were at a bar with some friends said - it's hard for me to fall in love, and that's an understatement.

Between my recent life befuddlements in acting, money, responsibility, and just goals for myself in life, I have fallen in love with a wonderful caring, accepting, open-minded soul - aka: warm fuzzy soul. This was an absolute shock to say the least.

I've had some problems with dealing with this, continously convincing myself that something had to be wrong, my mind giving me the worst possiblities of "what -if" and instead of closing up, as I normally would, I've just expressed each and every fear and doubt and what I've gotten back is a supportive and wonderful person erasing each and every doubt to the best of his ability.

Relationships in general have always confused me -how needy is too needy? How much space do people truly need? How muh of a life outside of a relationship is too much, how much is too little? Yes it is different for each person or persons, and that is what also makes it hard is there is no "supposed to be" and if you try to follow what works for other people you will not be happy.

Anyhow, between the relationship confusion and his own issues and my being lost for life goals - ok not lost just wanting so much, but being impatient at times because I'm not sure exactly how to go about and get there, it's overwhelming and exciting and invigorating and frustrating all at the same time. I want so much, but at the same time I want to be responsible for myself and support myself and help other people and have time for friends and learning and teaching and and and . . .

and it goes in circles from there acting, learning more - singing dancing- anything helpful for the field, another career as well that gives me flexibility for acting but I still enjoy and it takes up the time while I'm not acting, many more classes - yoga, photography, learn the saxaphone - for fun, health, spirit, spending time with friends just hanging out, even once in a while a few days away from the city, but in order to do anything other than pay bills I would need a teally good paying job, but in order to work I need to find a job, but that takes time out from other stuff, and then I don't have time to do anything else and - like I said a big circle.

but I'm ok, and I'm patient, and I'm pushing myself, as well as being pushed, and it's wonderful to be alive with goals and feeling and as hard as it is sometimes, it just means that I'm learning.

I hope everyone is doing well

4 comments or Leave a comment
(Deleted comment)
moowazz From: moowazz Date: June 18th, 2003 10:01 am (UTC) (Link)

thank you, very true!
low_key From: low_key Date: June 18th, 2003 09:39 am (UTC) (Link)
but in order to work I need to find a job, but that takes time out from other stuff, and then I don't have time to do anything else and - like I said a big circle.

Two words for you Sweetheart: Sugar Daddy

Hang in there, life is a tough ballancing act, but I have faith in your abilities.
moowazz From: moowazz Date: June 18th, 2003 10:00 am (UTC) (Link)
lol, you know what's funny?

I was having a conversation with some peolple and did not realize until 1/2 way into the conversation that when they said "sugar daddy" they did not mean the candy that was shaped like a lolly-pop though is not one, but in fact meant what you are probably referring to, lol.

and thank you for the support.

I hope all is well with you!
low_key From: low_key Date: June 18th, 2003 10:13 am (UTC) (Link)


Oh, That's too funny. You sweet, poor, naive thing!

Things are well. Turns out that the woman I thought might be blowing me off, wasn't. It just was really bad timing.
4 comments or Leave a comment