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confusion - a world of possibility
met warm fuzzy soul this weekend

met warm fuzzy soul and had a wonderful weekend which included
*many movies (since it rained)
*a haunted store
*a boardwalk with games and rides and bad 3D haunted movies
*a nature preserve
and much much more

most importantly was meetinghim in person and finding that what we believed to be there was there in reality, but more on that later

in NYC met with the melebeth for dinner and to help find free parking
then ran into her when finding the car and was very considerately offered a ballet ticket since she was not feeling %100
which I accepted and went to and had fun with the pamlin to "Romeo & Juliet" the ballet

I will soon be putting in the mail
-my application for school
-a very late birthday present
-a paper for insurance through my dad's company

Before I continue, if anyone in NY was/is planning on going to the taste of times square I will now be handing out stuff (most likely beer) at a beer booth.

OK, so onto my head that has all of a sudden gone into full force insanity overload mode

"It's the thought that never eeeeends" (in the tune of "this is the song that never ends")

So I'm feelin a bit lost currently. I don't know what I'm doing.

I was going through backstage and a few other websites that are resources for acting - auditions and projects accepting headshot and resume submissions - and realized that I have lost some of my drive. When I first moved here I wanted to go to auditions every day, more than one a day - and I did so for as many auditions as I could find and fit in.

Since then I only go when I really like the part and when it's "convenient" to the rest of my schedule, including sleeping. I'm making that sound worse than it is, because I still try to fit in as many as I can, but like if it's really early in the morning and it's equity and it's not something that I REALLY REALLY want, I tell myself I probably wouldn't get it anyhow and to just go to the one later and skip that one.

Now I'm wondering if I care about it enough to make it, or if it's because I'm overwhelmed by everything else currently going on in my life and I need to get it all straightened up so as to have my head clear and not be weighted down. I mean many times I tell myself that I need to work on finding a job before going to as many auditions as when I first moved here.

I'm so afraid of dissappoinment - being one to my family and friends (parents more than anything) more so then being dissappointed - and never being able to support myself as a responsible adult. At the same time I know I'd be miserable working a desk job or as a server my entire life - but if that was what I had to do because I had a family to support then I could do it and be happy because happiness is up to me, but I don't have a family to support, I have me.

OK, I think I've overbabbled on this subject, time for the next, well I'll say one last thing first, even with all this, when I am in a production I never feel better, I feel alive and happy and, well just as good as I feel in a good relationship, they're about even because I wouldn't give either one up for the other.

ok, next

I'm really looking forward to going to school again, to be learning, to feel more productive then with auditions. Maybe I'll to well enough in my classes that down the road my degree will actually lead to a really good but really flexible job so I can still audition AND work (school and auditioning is easy because classes are much less often then work and studying is not scheduled).

It got me thinking. along with my current depressive state (which could also have to do with me being pi-polar and I'm lucky enough to have it under control the majority of the time), about the acting concerns and wondering what to do with myself. I don't know!

Now I remember why I had that wall up in the first place
the one around my heart
the one that so many claimed was there and I said "yes, to protect me"

actually it was so bad and I was so used to it that someone whom I truly cared about told me he wasn't in my heart. I told him he was, and he was, but only as close as he could be with a wall around it. I let him come up and see, touch and feel the wall. To me this meant he was in my heart. He knew differently.

well since that person someone broke it down all in one swoop of caring and consideration and accepting and just being exactly the person they are

the only problem is what is beneath that wall is still the scared little girl from so long ago.
The one who is so very afraid
not of being alone
being alone is easy
who is afraid of giving her heart and finding that the next things she's knows it has been discarded like some well meant and well accepted gift from the heart, a card that brings joy to the recipient's face but is soon forgotten.

This, this is her fear

Today has been spent attempting to fulfill meaningless as well as meaningful tasks so as not to think about the wonderful person with whom she has entrusted her heart. She continuously tells herself that it is just time playing tricks on her, testing her - for if she is this miserable then it is not true caring, it is "obssessive" caring and therefore it is not healthy for her to have a relationship.

Other parts of her tell her this is just an excuse not to get hurt or that she doesn't want to make the efforts of being in a relationship, the fears that come with it - for when she is "in control" of her feelings, when she will not be hurt by whether it "works out" or not, this is not true and deep caring - this is still holding that wall over her heart, the one that has slowly gotten thicker and thicker with each passing intimate encounter.

So while she knows logically that he just does not want to talk because of what is going on with him (he said exactly that - that it was not that he did not want to talk with her, but rather he does not want to talk with anyone) she still feels this stabbing pain in her soul knowing she can't hold him and make his worries better, knowing that he is hurting and she cannot help.

I should be happy and enjoy the fact there is someone who cares about me and whom I care about - but of course my insane head goes to worrying and thinking what is wrong or could go wrong instead, laughing to self caused by nerves and not being sure what other reaction to have.

The last thing I will comment is that the first thought that came to mind when I ralized how close we'd gotten before even meeting and how it just meshed even more in person, what came to mind was a comment a friend of mine said about their significant other "If I had the choice between marriage or never seeing them again, I'd be married" - not necessarily the words, but the same idea.

Ya tea-bya low blue too my warm fuzzy soul

I'm not sure where friends fit in. They are people I care about and who seem to care about me. I'm not sure what they exist for - meaning when is it right to let go or to, hmmm, I just don't understand friendships - I'm not sure how to be one or have a friendship.

Yes I do analyze to much, I put the world into mathematical formulas and try to make thinks "work", and at the same time, yes I realize this is not possible, it doesn't "make sense" or "work", there is no logic to the world, not really. And this bugs and frustrates me to no end.

And often, besides genuinely caring, I'm not a good friend. I'm often busy and rarely make plans unless initiated by other people. It's not because I don't want to, I just, well I have other things that need to get done first - the rest of my life. And I knew the day I decided to be in acting, seriously pursue it, that I would possibly lose a lot of friends because of it. That my career would come first, and not because I don't care, but because I live in my body and my soul and therefore I come first whether I want to or not, and it wouldn't be very wise to set the rest of the world before myself unless I was able to support myself in that I wouldn't need to depend on anyone else, and enjoyed being that generous to the world

OK, I'm tired and have babbled enough and need sleep. I'll feel better in the morning.

I hope everyone is wonderful!

Current Music: Esteban - Guajiras

8 comments or Leave a comment
melebeth From: melebeth Date: June 10th, 2003 07:07 pm (UTC) (Link)
*big understanding hugs*
moowazz From: moowazz Date: June 11th, 2003 07:13 am (UTC) (Link)
*hug* thank you
lizzie_borden From: lizzie_borden Date: June 10th, 2003 07:16 pm (UTC) (Link)
Sweetpea, don't worry, no one knows how to be a good friend. All you can do is be warm and caring to others when you've got the chance. And you'll never know when to trust your heart with others, but if you don't try you'll never find the one.
*hug* things'll be better, just you watch and see.
moowazz From: moowazz Date: June 11th, 2003 07:14 am (UTC) (Link)

thanks :)
picoland From: picoland Date: June 10th, 2003 07:33 pm (UTC) (Link)
::hugs:: little one. just remember walls usually crack to let life in, only a matter of time.
moowazz From: moowazz Date: June 11th, 2003 07:14 am (UTC) (Link)
*hug* thank you :)
eroika From: eroika Date: June 12th, 2003 09:13 am (UTC) (Link)
Hon, I know we are just starting to get to know each other but in regards to friends, well, humans are social beings and we need friends...at least that is my belief. I think that the best friend you can be is to be yourself and be true to that person. The ppl you need to have around you will be there and those that do not understand will move on. They have served their purpose to you and themselves.

*hugs* Not that any of that makes anything easier though and I'm having problems with own bestest friend and I often wonder when it's time to move on. Only you as an individual can make that choice I guess. Yeah, I'm helpful ;)
moowazz From: moowazz Date: June 13th, 2003 03:33 pm (UTC) (Link)


And about not knowing when to move on - I was with my first serious boyfriend for almost 3 years. I became a lost soul not even knowing who I was anymore, let alone if I should be with him.

Luckily, thanks to that experience I learned a lot and when I found myself again, or rather discovered the "new and improved" Elysa (lol) I realized there was never a reason for me to compromise who I was to be with someone, and if that felt like the only way to be with them, well then we weren't meant to be together (note: difference between general compromise and compromising who one is).

When it comes to friends though rather than significant others (who are friends +) that's a different story and I still have trouble.

OK, enough babble.


thanks again
8 comments or Leave a comment