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Brain is out of comission for the rest of the day - a world of possibility
Brain is out of comission for the rest of the day
Brain got up about 20 of 10 am this morning, proceeded to shower, get dressed, etc. Left apartment and went back to temp agency where it had last been on Thursday. Brain had to take 3 tests (all computer related) and did alright it supposed.

Brain was told by lady whom she met with that lady was impressed. Brain did not understand this and took it that lady probably thought brain was younger than brain actually was - especially since brain was dissappointed with typing test score since the page was not in paragraph form, but rather one big block of text and brain continuously lost place.

Brain left happy with thought of earning spending money (yay).

Brian is now home and ready to go back to sleep VERY soon.

This weekend went well, I had family , family friends, and even 2 friends whom I completely forget were coming. While my family was there I had a short identity crisis. Since faire is unlike most actingg in the sense that you are in character all day, it's hard to know how to act sometimes. I mean my family obviously knows that I am not the actual character because I am their relative - so it's hard to make them suspend their belief in reality - where as with those who don't know me it's easier to get them to play and believe to some extent.

Actually my parents - especially my father - played along somewhat, my dad giving my "fiance" a hard time, lol. My little sister was the dilemna. She wanted to be around me the entire time. She wanted attention when I couldn't necessarily give it to her. she is 11 and so doesn't necessarily understand why not. On the other hand, a part of me says maybe she does, or maybe she's right in her not knowing, maybe there is no "knowing" - maybe there isn't as set a "right" and "wrong" - in the sense that maybe if I were better (I learned much through this experience and still have WAAAAY far to go :) I would have played more into the possiblity of her being around, making reasons.

I think another part of it was the fact that there was other stuff in my head this weekend. I'm not sure where I'm going now. I mean, I stil am pursuing acting, but I don't have anything lined up right now due to many things - one thing being the fact that I was already involved in a project, had a part and all, but it was to stressful and not good vibes and I was not being treated right so I had to leave the project, as well as money, motivation, working on other things, and time factors - and that scares me and left me feeling a little empty today. It was like the day after my Bat Mitvah. I woke up that morning and cried because that big thing I had been working toward for who know's how long was over and I was in highschool and therefore didn't have too too much to look forward to that would come anywhere near that.

One of the other "stuff" in my head was the NYRF (New York Ren FAire). I knew after my call back I had not gotten in because I did not do my best. I had too much on my mind lately and therefore was not in the best place. I did the best I could at that point in time, but I know I could and have done better. What bugs me is not the fact that I did not make it, but the fact that they are not willing to tell me. I realized when they said people would find out Friday or Monday if they got in that if I had gotten in they would have told me this weekend (even before hearing that other people had been informed). The thought, my guess, is that they did not want to interfere with the performances this weekend by giving us bad news - but by default if we did make it they would most likely not have a problem because it would not interfere. So, yeah, especially since they told the people who did make it, I would have liked the courtesy of being told that I did not make it instead of having to assume.

On the other hand, I keep telling myself, there is a reason behind things in my life - no not every last thing (like me getting a red piece of bubble gum instead of blue) - but big things. So, I had an audition with them and I did not make it. That means there is something else that is supposed to happen - what I do not know but I will find out.

It also gives me time to focus on my business project with melebeth as well as, visit home, possibly visit makes my heart smile soul, and many many other things.

I also had an audition Friday, which I don't think I mentioned on here, for a small few liner part for Sex in the City. I have no idea how I did, but I appreciate the fact that I've come far enough since I moved her almost a year ago that I was called in for a part like that. I have sent out so many H&Rs (headshots and resumes) since I moved up here, even for Sex in the City, and this is the first time I've been called in. It was like a small turning point just to be asked to audition.

A few more things about Ren Faire - I learned some new stuff about myself in personal way - so not only professional :) . I've come home with many souveniers (SP?) given to me by random and not so random people. Everything from a mini fake gold rose with a piece of paper attached to it claiming I own the person whom I was given it by to some candy which has long since been ingested which was actually bought for his wife but he gave to me and bought another for his wife (nothing was meant by it don't worry, it was just the general good nature which comes with most people at faire) as well as quite a few other nick nacks.

As well as I can get along without friends and without little (or in this case big - because there were so so many good people) ego boosts, it's incredibly nice having them there, at least when they are well meant. Even I am not exempt from getting a big head though because by the end I realized I will be missing all the kindness and good attention given by the cast - note "good" attention, not just attention.

When people compliment me, I rarely think there is actual truth behind it and feel I don't deserve it, that or they are trying to get something from me (not necessarily a bad or mean thing especially since they often don't even realize they are doing it). Even now, I feel like I am tricking people or something because after being given the "nugget of joy" award - or something like that - I felt like, well, I wasn't sure I deserved it. I mean part of me was like it's really nice that all these people appreciate me and at the same time I'm thinking I wouldn't be here without any of them and they are what made the experience worth anything. If it hadn't been such a good group of people, I would not have had as much fun and by default would not have been what they considered a "nugget of joy" in the sense that all I did was take notice of what great people they are which they interpreted as me being a good person.

Also I was treated well. As much as they all might joke about double meanings and sexual punns and hit on each other, as long as I made it clear that there was a point which could not be passed with me, and therefore got to know the people beneath that, I found that they looked at me as something other than a sex object - which has been an issue of mine for a while. They helped me get past that. It's ok to have that in addition to other things, but not as the sole thing of your existence.

Also, I realized I need to step back again and re-evaluate my current "me" state because I realized this Saturday night I fell into my highschool self a bit. That self that wants to stay at parties until they end just for the possiblity that something might happen with person or persons - though in reality I know they won't - though the case this weekend was more for the sake that I just wanted to be around people, probably because my body sensed that this was all ending, even if my brain hadn't completely comprehended it yet. So when I truly would have been better off going back to the hotel and headhing to bed (like I had the previous friday night when most people stayed up) I stayed to talk with people anyhow. When that lack inner strength to do what I know would be better for me comes around it usually means I need to step back for a minute. So yeah, time to do the annual (though it's not yearly, but annual in the sense of one phase of my life to the next) look into me and get centered again :)

OK, my head is swimming from subject to subject and there is no possible way to get it all down, sooo, I'm just going to let brain rest for the remainder of the day since it thoroughly needs it.

I hope everyone is well

2 comments or Leave a comment
fjordhopper From: fjordhopper Date: May 5th, 2003 03:25 pm (UTC) (Link)
My family threw me off too, they tend to call you by your real name, and you're so used to responding to them in that way.
And don't be so hard on yourself, (although I agree that the "centering of one's self" is always a valuable thing) and (I mean this!!!!) you DID a great job at the faire! You were also a lot of fun to have in the car! I'm going to miss driving to rehersal with you and Badtart...
moowazz From: moowazz Date: May 9th, 2003 01:46 pm (UTC) (Link)
meant to do this sooner, but . . .

eh, things happen :)


I hope you be well.

Looking forward to sleeping in? LOL

2 comments or Leave a comment