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Umm, yeeeah - a world of possibility
Umm, yeeeah
Day of oddities.

Phone call from S soul (linked in case you don't remember or never knew) (could not find one of the posts b/c LJ was being fussy. ask if you are that curious). whom I had e-mailed a few weeks ago to get my DVD back from. He was near me and thought he might stop by. Turns out he would stop by later because he was having lunch with his dad, so I should expect a phone call later. This was good also because it meant he could grab my DVD when he went back uptown.

I'm know how I got here, and how I feel. I'm not sure how to fix it.

S soul, IC soul, and - actually I'm not sure what I named him, have all contacted me recently, as well as one of my exes from Maryland. It has been like this month (not calendar speaking, just time-frame) has been "Return of the Exes". Except for the 2nd to last one - the "I;m not sure what I called him" - I feel nothing towards them. In fact I'm almost disgusted with myself in some ways. I think it's some psychological something, and I don't mean disgusted like little kid "yeeew, they're gross". I mean disgusted where it makes me feel weird inside.

I guess it just goes to my personality vs physical appearance because they are all physically attractive, but as I have gotten to know them better and how they have treated me while we were together as well as since then, there is just nothing there.

How do I feel currently? Well I crave badly just to be able to curl up in someones arms/lap.

On the other hand I am incredibly/highly cynical about relationships. I don't know how to be in one

< random note >: 'de ja vu' </ random note >

I mean, I know logically how to be in a relationship. You spend time with the person. You enjoy spending time with the person. You have some similar likes and dislikes. You share things with each other that you don't tell the rest of the world. You accept each other faults and all. Etc. ETc. Etc.

What I mean is I no longer know why I want to be with someone else. This is partially because of past relationships and partially because there is not currently anyone I feel the want to be in a relationship with. There is no one who I have felt connected to that deeply, or in that way. No one I've felt I wanted to shar things with, or felt comfortable enough to share things with, or felt they truly want me to share things with them.

I remember when I was in my first serious relationship - the one that was almost 3 years - and how much I really wanted to share things with him. How I would fight for us to stay together -sometimes it being more manipulation because I was afraid of being alone, but sometimes because I truly cared about him and felt it was right to be with him- and how I haven't felt that way in a long long time. I'm also not sure if I even could feel that way, wanting to fight to stay with someone. In some ways it's a relief and in other ways it scares me.

I'm so cycnical that emotion has almost completely left the process until I am in a relationship - at least that's my guess since I haven't been in one for a while. I find I am so scared of being hurt again, I mean I think this is the reason, that I hold people far off until I have deemed that they meet some things on my internal checklist - there are just things people say and do along the way that either are a "negative", like not returning phone calls, lying about something, etc or "positive", like always calling back when they say they will, making plans and keeping them, showing me in some way that I am special to them (this can come in many forms), etc.

I've gotten so analytical - not sure if that's the word, lol, probably something else- that I'm not sure I know how to let anyone in close. I've mastered the art of conversation in the sense that I love love love asking questions. When I find that I am hanging out with a person or people and someone, or the person, I'm with is uncomfortable I just start asking questions because I love to pick brains. Too often they take this as I'm interested in them and it starts me being stand-offish from that point forward.

I tried not being so interested for a while. Holding back on my questions or not hanging out with people other than in a group. I realized I don't know how to find myself truly interested in someone anymore. It's just - I'm not even sure how to explain it. And it's something I've created myself, LOL.


This isn't something I think about much, rarely if ever in fact. Once in a while I just piece it all together, like with the sudden "Return of the Exes" my own personal movie dealing with my intimate life, it just made me think.

On another subject, I feel ages older than 21. I was filling something out that asked for my birthdate. I realized I will soon be turning 23 and feel much older. I feel older in the sense that I feel like I have grown an incredible amount since my 21st birthday. Yep, random.

I also had my buzzer to my apartment buzzed by the guy who does all the maintenance for the building - a really nice guy btw - wanting to look at my apartment because the restaurant below me said there was water leaking. This was a surprise to me since I hadn't even taken a showere, let alone spilled anything.

He came in, didn't see anything out of the ordinary and left.

S soul calls and is in back near me. He stops by for a bit. then leaves. look back at my current personal life for anything more.

I get back to what I was doing before he stopped by.

My buzzer to my apartment again. Guess who? Mr. MAintenance guy, plus 1. They are taking out my toilet. At some point there was also a man of some other descent (either asian, oriental, korean -though I would guess one of the first two) - probably from the mexican restaurant below me (???).

So I currently have my toilet sitting in my bathtub while the guy who took it out (plus 1) is exchanging the first machine that he brought up for a smaller one since there was nooo way it was fitting in my tiny bathroom. He has now returned with one smaller.

"He (I'm guessing maintenance guy) said it would fit. HE said she had a big bathroom". Both Plus 1 and myself said that if my bathroom is big we don't want to see Maintenance guys bathroom, lol.

So I will sit here continuing with my research work for a theatre company* eating my "Yoplait Whips Light and Fluffly" Orange creme flavor (like an orange creamsicle YUMM).

It's just been an odd day.

back to work

I hope everyone is well


PS He better come put my toiltet back soon. I need to go to the bathroom!

*name has been changed
3 comments or Leave a comment
corto From: corto Date: April 15th, 2003 08:05 am (UTC) (Link)


k... so I hope ya get yer can back so you can pee. :D

and that other stuff... I'm throwing a deep moment at you but I suspect that you are well and truly facing one of life's big changes. The other side of this is going to be a much better understanding of you. It's like the other you was playing the game that we all grow up hearing about... but now you've decided to refocus on you and maybe repaint the story of how you find love... a better way... a more This Is Real Life way to find and hold on to love. How long? who knows... but it'll happen when it happens... Will it hurt? well, sure... but it's a good kinda hurt.

and, just because I really like saying this... I love you Elysa. You are a wonderful woman... and yeah, that's an appropriate kinda lj love but still ... I think I know what love is... and keeping track of your life... the parts you share... is one of the real pleasures in my universe.

moowazz From: moowazz Date: April 15th, 2003 04:05 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: hmmm


thank you very much, that brought a big huge smjile to my face

and I love you too in that LJ friend way. As much/little - in the ways that I know those on here - I've felt a good deal of support and good energy.

thanks again :)

I hope you be well
From: basementangel Date: April 16th, 2003 05:55 pm (UTC) (Link)
I'll have to tell you the "hatter" saga some time. It all started with a sweet boy who wanted to take the tires off a certain green camaro, a girl named Rosie and another named Rosey. It's a great place and when you're in town sometime we'll have to go!
3 comments or Leave a comment