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Reflections - a world of possibility

\In`can*des"cent\, a. [L. incandecens, -entis, p. pr. of incandescere to become warm or hot; pref. in- in + candescere to become of a glittering whiteness, to become red hot, incho. fr. candere to be of a glittering whiteness: cf. F. incandescent. See Candle.] White, glowing, or luminous, with intense heat; as, incandescent carbon or platinum; hence, clear; shining; brilliant.


\Ir`i*des"cence\, n. [See Iridescent.] Exhibition of colors like those of the rainbow; the quality or state of being iridescent; a prismatic play of color; as, the iridescence of mother-of-pearl

for some reason when I read the former it reminded me of the latter (though I was not aware of this until I went to look it up and typed the latter instead).

They're both enjoyable descriptive words.


Soy milk (skim), honey, cinnamon, and vanilla - heated. A different proportion of each ingredient every time.

It warms my stomach while seducing my tongue - or the taste buds that live there.

This wonderful soul-warming treat to myself - though never the same - is always enjoyable, if not even partially just for that very reason.

I haven't typed in here ~ really typed ~ in quite some time.

I've written in my my journals a bit when I've had a moment or something I needed to get down - yes I've multiple
1 for stories: my own little fantasy world that travels with me almost everywhere, 1 for thoughts that travels with me almost everywhere, 1 in my bed, in case I have any last minute b/4 I go to sleep but don't want to get down from bed or woken up and don't want to forget thoughts.

I've this big overwhelming pile of stuff that wants to come out, to tell how life has been, what I've learned, some things I've wanted - from life, people, in teturn for my work, and yet, it's still unformed, unstructured, just this big mass.

I shall try detangling :)

I'll start with what I feel most comfortable with and am always learning in, my passion:


I go on auditions almost every day, sometimes 2 or more if possible. Each time I learn something new. Each time I am more and more aware of if I have grabbed the attention of onlookers or if I am too in myself, worried about "acting" instead of just talking to whomever it is I am conversing with on that particular day (boyfriend, semi-stalker, mother-in-law, best friend, etc.)

Some days I wonder if it wouldn't be better to get a job that pays wel, save up, and then just put on my own production. I think one day I will, but only if I make the money from acting or from other sources while acting b/c 1/2 the challenge is being chosen to play that part.

Some days I feel like I'm on top of the world because I'm doing it, I'm out there and working. Someone has decided I've actually got the focus and am capable of being truthful.

At times, often, I may not believe it, in fact when people compliment me, I get scared. I wonder if I really am good, that maybe it was just a fluke, next time they'll realize I'm just a fraud. In the end though, I really don't care - I'm being given the chance to do what I looove to do. If I get to do it with other people and in front of other people that's even better.

OK, enough on acting, I could babble forever :)


I don't e-mail or call as much as I would like. I want to make a definite effort to do so more often. I get caught up in life and forget -no excuse, just what happens.

Otherwise things are good there. I love my family. I get along with them well, I'm even on fairly good terms with my grandmother.


I don't get to see them as much as I may wish due to the schedule I choose to have, this is part of growing up. I can't have everything in my life with as much abundance as I may want. I try my best, that's all I can do.

They're there. I'm here.

When we can we get together - I have to keep living and can't get caught up on what I can't do as much as I may want to. When I do see them though, it's wonderful.

Some people will come and then just dissappear. There just isn't enough time in ones life to keep up with everyone who you run across, these people usually disappear within the first 2 times of getting together. I don't consider this a loss though, I always learn something from anyone I have even just 1 meeting or conversation with.

It's also nice to know there are people that are still under the heading of "friends" without the requirement of daily contact (as nice as that might be). That we can live our lives and when the chance comes where schedules mesh, we can still have a good time. No requirements, no guilt, no nothing except having them in our hearts.


Taken literally,not in the sense of "life".

I am slowly adding things to my plate. I have aspirations to learn about everything and anything. Currently singing and swing dancing. They both also help in my career choice, that's probably why I chose those specific ones over, say, how to fix up old cars (which, yes, I one day hope to learn).

now as for "life" edjumication I hope to start volunteering some time soon. Hopefully the hours I can go will at least sometimes coincide with anyone else (currently thetroubeador) who volunteers.

Other Relationship

AKA : Significant Other, Boyfriend, Creature, Boy, Friend Who is more than "just" a friend bla bla bla

As I noted briefly I was getting close with someone who soon thereafter let me know they were in love with someone else.

Needless to say that was a shocker :)

Since then I've actually somewhat solidified some of my thinking in ways of relationships.

I never have seen the point in "dating" - my meaning of this term is more than one person at a time. I understand why people would do it, just don't see the point.

Think of it this way (and this may not be true for people who are poly instead of mono in the way of their relationships).

If I am in love with someone, whether I am "seeing" them, in a serious relationship, or just in love with them without any commitment, my desire is focused on them. Why would I want to be with someone else - in any relationship including physical closeness. That's not fair to me, the person I "see" instead, or the person I'm in love with.

If you want something in your life, why would you substitute it with something else?

I think sometimes people are so afraid of not getting what they actually want, that they instead grasp what they know they are capable of having, even if it's not their first choice.

In my specific example, I made a new friend recently. A boy to be specific. We had wonderful conversation the entire evening. He even went out of his way to walk me home (originally we were just going to walk to the subway b/c the rest of our company insistedthat I - bein female - have an escort at least to the subway. We walked instead).

I have recently realized that things I want to happen often do. Whether they are of my wanting or that the other party wants them to happen, I am never sure. I have no proof either way other than that I always felt more comfortable when I was able to see people in person (aka, my wants would actually have influence). It still could have been all in my head.

At first I was worried this was just another one of the same - that I had wanted something from him, some sort of connection, so it had happened. He mentioned that when I had started the conversation he had been thinking of a way to start one because he felt he needed to.

I hten realized, I didn't even know him when I started the conversation, barely looked at him. He had what I thought to be ink on his hand and I felt like commenting. (The "ink" turned out to be paint from doing artwork with kids). That's it plain and simple. No need or want for him to like me or make some "connection" with me.

So in light of this conclusion when I was out with a friend last night who made it clear they were interested in me, I had no "well maybe I shouldn't close out other possibilities" or anything similar. Yes, it would have been nice to kiss this person probably, but that's about it. Had this person and I been able to actually get together (we had been trying to make plans for a few weeks now) before, I probably would have eventually kissed him (either way I did not know him well enough).

But as things stood, or do stand, I would prefer to be with paint on hand man. If he doesn't feel the same that's ok too. I would prefer to be on my own then any "well maybe"s. It makes the world a tiny bit less complicated.

I would like another mug of Soy milk, cinnamon, honey, & vanilla (plus I've got H&Rs to send out)

If anyone is staying around through the holidays, there are no auditions from the 24th-1st, so my days will be fairly free. Drop me an e-mail if you'd like to get together.

Much love to you all.

I hope everyone is living and seeing beauty in the world around them, and if not create some!


Current Mood: curious curious