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silly me - a world of possibility
silly me

The skin on my shoulders is quite chilled as I sit here typing this.

I can hear cars drive by every once in a while. As well as a few rare passerbies on foot.

I realized something.

A few things in fact.

My heart is tired ~ as the woman standing next to me on the subway said to her friend.
She, almost inaudibly, looked at her friend/significant other and said "you are tired" pause "here" while putting her hand on her chest in the area we all believe our hearts to be - and for most they are.

I may have just read into the gesture and assumed, she may not even have said"here". It could have been a figment of my imagination created solely for my realization.

I may be young, and naive and very unlearned compared to many of the world, but in some ways I am not. Each person has their own specialty in the game of "life". At least one strategy or one piece of the puzzle that they know far better than many. For me it's relationships.

Not knowing them well in the sense of having them figured out, but knowing them well in the sense of experienced too much of the "what if"s, too much of the bad, and observing many, MANY, what, where, why, when, who, whom, intricate details and overanalyzation.

Just because you could describe that puzzle piece, every color, every curve, the texture to the tee, it still doesn't mean you know where it goes. You do, however, know what will not fit against it. Also, the shape and colors of what should match. Again, this does not solve the puzzle - it just means you know that piece really really well.

Then again I still think I know nothing. There is no way to know people. I sometimes get to be too big headed, too much of an ego in this area.

Part of it is also what I see. People love me, and I love people ~ but only if they get so close. Others think they want a relationship with me, more intimate than just being friends. When they get it, they realize it wasn't what they thought. No one thinks ahead.

But I do.

A few others do. Very few though.

So I am left to explain, over and over and over, why I don't want a relationship. Because I do think ahead.

Most of the time.

Or is it just that my heart is tired and I'm scared to death that I'll never find what I'm looking for.

Funny thing, I'm not devastated or falling apart like I have in the past. It's more like I'm tired of trying and I've got everything else in my life, I almost (key word almost) don't care anymore.

Then there is my current situation. Something that before I would have been long gone from. So I ask myself "why am I still here?"

It's not bad. It's quite good in fact. Only one thing that hit me today, and it's a little thing, it's been 3 days since I've heard anything. Phone call, voicemail, anything. I thought nothing of it either. O

nly a month ago I would have already decided to end it. Today I decided to just talk to this person, this beautiful soul and see what's happening and decide from there.

Is he that special? Or have I changed?

I dunno.

As stated in the title, this is all just random babble. Stuff I was just thinking about randomly tonight. Please do not worry, I am actually quite well. :)

Also, I bought another little writing book. It's black with a fairly large blue butterfly on it (two actually, one a bit smaller). I've been eyeing it every time I went to Staples since I've been in NY. I finally had an excuse to buy it and I had to go there to pick some other stuff up today anyhow.

I hope everyone is well.

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(Deleted comment)
moowazz From: moowazz Date: November 8th, 2002 04:01 pm (UTC) (Link)



thank you

I hope you are well

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