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The letter, continued :) - a world of possibility
The letter, continued :)
This is in reply to both lizzie_borden abd corto.

Thank you very much for the advice. First I think I'll give background, then explain my view, and then ask for how to go about re-writing the letter - fixing it :)


When I went through the normal "teenage" years, I went through the phase also fo not wanting to be around parents or grandparents, etc.. Anyone above age 18-20 was "uncool".

When I grew out of this, I first began looking at my folks as people, not parents. Next came the grandparents, unfortunately the only ones left who were actually comprehensive (didn't stare blankly and sit) was one grandmother and her husband, who is not my blood grandfather.

I tried spending time with her. We went and saw a play. It was a good play and I enjoyed it thoroughly. Shakespeare in fact. One thing that stood out though in our conversation throughout the night was that she thought I should get a college degree.

At this point in time I had been 1 semster at a normal college, took leave -intending to return- found an acting conservatory so I instead took that route and did not return.

I replied that, yes that is a good idea, and maybe I will, but currently in my life I want to pursue my dream and I have some college credits so if I decide I don't want to try acting anymore (which I personally don't think will happen, I'd rather starve and work my bones off to make ends meet as long as I can act)) then I can finish towards a degree.

From that day on, every time there was a family get together of sorts, she would insist on me getting a degree. I'm not sure if she has one, this is something I actually should have asked and taken into account -but that's another tangent.

So after a while I would just change subjects when she would bring it up.

I've grown a lot as a person since then and deal with things differently. If I ran across that first situation now, it would be MUCH easier to fix, no ingrained rejection on her part, I would have spoken up for people while with her, I also would have, well many thing, I can't think of specifics now.

She is a big funder of my education. On the other hand it comes across as she will support whatever I want to do, but since she it wouldn't be as easily possible ( I could be very wrong in this interpretation)that her opinion should count for more than just an opinion.

Money seems to be the only way she knows to show she cares. I don't like this because I would prefer not to take the money and have her just accept my choices, which I think she would be more willling if that were the case.

The reason this entire letter came about was actually because of money -so to speak. She gave me a check for my birthday, and I hadn't gotten around to writing the "thank you" yet. She mentioned something to my father, who in turn relayed the message to me.

It is my opinion "thank you"'s are a choice. Yes I did plan on writing one. I still do, actually as soon as I get off of here. On the other hand, if they are expected, what good are they? They are an appreciation of that person having thought of you.

This led to the discussion of my grandmother with my father and how I don't like how she treats, not only myself, but other people. He thought I should tell her.

Now for part two . . .

I normally treat people as such. Everyone is free to their opinions. I will usually ask people why they feel certain ways, but I don't think I'll ever tell them how to feel or be. If the way they treat meor other people is so horrendous that it affects me in a negative way (this is VERY rare) I simply do not put myself in their company. It is not my job or right to change them.

This works well, except with family. With family, at least mine-- and I don't disagree-- there is almost a guidline, you will be around them. It's just a given, they are your family.

With this respect, if she were not family, I would not be writing this letter, but just choosing to not be around here. She is family, she's my last living blood relative.

I don't want to change her, but I would like her to respect me and my decisions. Or at least understand enough to be willing to be quiet where we disagree. (Not exactly what I mean, there's more to it, but hopefully you understand).

Part Three

How do I sugar coat it enough so that she doesn't just jump to "she is a rude, ungrateful person who hates me"?

At the same time, not sugar coat it so much so that she thinks nothing is wrong, and she is a perfect person and does everything right and that I'm just crazy or insecure and that is why I don't spend so much time with her?

And at the same time, not get so vague, or indirect so that she does not know what my point is?

--Corto that was more for how you wrote an example.

Dear Granny, I wanted to write to you and tell you about how wonderful my experiences have been with the acting gig has been... It really feels like it will be a fulfilling life experience for me and there is no two ways about it, this is what I want to do. Oh, and btw, I was so sad to see how mom's been feeling. She really needs to be edified by the people in her life. I know that I am committed to boosting her self confidence and I hope the other people in her life will do the same

While that is a GREAT way to write it, I'm not sure she would completely understand what I'm asking --it's not so much confidence boosting as just not trying to do anything. They both try to outdo each other or "prove" themselves to each other, and they do it by putting each other down, where as if they would just validate each other and then add their opinion instead of throwing it out and trying to gain the "power" in the relationship. (Did that make sense)

Though maybe if there were clarification or examples of what can be done.

In my opinion saying something is wrong, bad, not working --whatever-- is pointless without giving options for fixing it. If I say to someone singing "that sux" how does that help them become a better singer? If I tell them (and this is only supposing I am supposed to be helping them) "Hey, you sound a little off key, why don't you try opening your throat a little more?" that will help them grow.

I hope that made at least a little sense.

OK, so if you read all that in one sittting, I commend you. I hope it makes sense and clarifies things a little bit (-?-)

Now to do the re-write.

All suggestions welcome!

Thank you again for your time and insight

I hope everyone is well.

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corto From: corto Date: June 14th, 2002 09:14 am (UTC) (Link)


it's all good ely... just so long as you don't fault her for the "only way to show she cares is with money" thing... she probably spent her whole life living a certain way and imagining her opportunity to be gracious with $$ in her old age... her she is and now she's trying to live up to some imagination she has had about how it will go.

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