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My phsychosis of a brain - a world of possibility
My phsychosis of a brain
So, me journal, I'm a bit lost. I'm confused. I am at a weird place right now. Maybe it's close to sanity leak time. I'm really hoping that's it. Actually I shall pretend that is it and just treat myself as such.

I didn't get outside. I didn't get very far at all. In fact, I'm still in my pajamas. I began clearing out my room upstairs with my mom. Actually, we had cleared it out enough so that someone could live there and she decided that she wanted all surfaces clear.

OK, fine, then we will spend the entire day in my old room and we will clear it out completely.

She said ok, she wanted to do it.

Well, we've been doing this since probably 11 this morning. For the last hour or so I've been going through old papers from school, the majority going into the recycling stuff.

It's funny because just yesterday I had a discussion with my friend Kate about saving things and memories and what is important. We decided remembering what the house on the corner looked like in the neighborhood she lived in while in Spain, while adding to memories, was not the important part. The important part was the experience of Spain, the friendships, the things she learned and gained, how she grew as a person because of it.

In the same sense with physical memories, old school papers, it's not the paper from 4th grade that matters, but things that were learned, friends. I guess in that sense, save only those things from which I can still learn or appreciate, from which I cn grow as a person. I found a few papers I wrote which I saved. I almost amazed at them, I didn't remember writing them, and some I didn't even think were mine except they had my name to claim them.

So here I am, going through my life. I'm already in a confused state lately, which I will explain in a moment, and then next thing I know I'm fighting with my parents, I tell them after I take down a few piles of stuff that I know I want that they can do whatever they want with my stuff, I don't care. I just want the books.

I don't know what is wrong with me.

On the other hand, these boxes, this stuff, the room, it is a big part of me, at least 8 years of my life, probably more since I brought stuff from my old houses. And when I hear "I'll just trash it" and earlier about the room that she wants everything out and cleared off. It;s like she wants no part of me, no essence left.

I realize mentally that she does not mean it this way, but still, that was my room.

Now to my emotional status before going through my room, which probably added to my tension with my mom.

So, I'm not even sure what emotions are mine anymore, what I feel. I hide so much so asnot to get hurt. I realize I must leave my past behind, but on the other hand it's easier said then done.

No, you just do it. You just live in the present and treat each situation as it deserves, with it's own circumstances.

I wish I could. For some reason I find I can't let go of the past. It hurts too much, I don't want to get hurt again.

Well that is up to you. If you truly live in the now, no matter what happens, you know that you are a good person and treat people as you would like to be treated. If they mess up, then it is they who should feel bad, not you. You should not feel stupid because you didn't know, but rather good because you were honest.

If that's the case then what about currently? I think I may have made a big mistake, but I'm not sure. Maybe not, maybe what I did was best. I am leaving. I don't want to hurt anyone else.

But you are hurting because of it.

That's the problem, I DON'T KNOW. I mean part of me wants to be there, completely, run back saying "I made a mistake, I'm not happy without you". I mean this is different. There wasn't anything I wasn't being given, well except reassurance. The other part says "no, this is what's best, you are leaving, it's just separation, losing what you had before".

But what if it's not? What if, what if, what if this one is special. I mean, I know this one is special, but special in the sense of for me, in the sense of one of those that the pieces just sort of fit together really well.

Maybe you should figure out yourself first so as not to hurt anyone else in the process.

THAT's the problem, I'm having trouble, and the one person I would talk to is, well, basically I can't.

THEN there's the fact that I'm not sure I should be typing any of this, because I'm not sure anymore what are my feelings versus what is a manipulation to get other people to treat me a certain way. For 3 years all I did was manipulate in order to be treated how I wanted to. I'm not saying it always worked, but I learned it too well.

For exactly that reason I don't like to share exactly what I feel,, I'm always worried it will be a manipulation rather then only what I feel. I mean, I'm not even sure if typing this up is what I truly feel, or another manipultaion.

Yes, you have some issues. You definitely need to figure yourself out before anything else, it's not fair to the people around you.

I think you're right.

I think my decisions, even though I really truly do care a LOT, and really truly enjoy their company, this probably was the best decision in my current mental state. I am in no form to be in any sort of relationship, it just would not be fair to either.

And on that note, and a phone call from a friend whom I have not seen in a looong time (Sarah with an"h" for anyone who knows her) I am going to shower and get ready to go out.

I hope this finds everyone well


Current Mood: contemplative contemplative

2 comments or Leave a comment
From: aligator13 Date: May 27th, 2002 02:54 pm (UTC) (Link)

It will be all right. If you in your heart that what you are doing right now is right then it is right, and that is all that matters. Let me know if you need to talk (I'm going through similar things!)
musus From: musus Date: May 27th, 2002 05:22 pm (UTC) (Link)
I grew up in a house, in a family whose primary tactic in their interactions with others (including family members) was manipulation. 18+ years of living with manipulation.
Trust me, you (of all people) can do ANYTHING you want to do. All you have to do is want it...want it like there's no tomorrow...want it like it makes up every fiber of your being, even if only for a brief moment...want it without fear of what dust it might kick up about your past. You've got to WANT IT so bad that your chest aches!

Do you really want it? Then do it!

Psychiatrists say that it is only upon facing the potential pain that is associated with one's past that one is able to break the cycle that restrains us from our full potential.
In other words, you psychologically can't be who you want until you face your past & let it go.

Again, let me reiterate my previous statement <looks you dead in the eye>, you can do anything!

You know me well enough to know what I mean when I say this:
I can see you dealing with the pain you keep so well hidden. If you think you can't do it, you're wrong.

Take it for what it's worth. Call me if you want: 304.473.7786 I'm always available for my friends.
2 comments or Leave a comment