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Change of plans - a world of possibility
moowazz
moowazz
Change of plans


I almost don't want to type this up. I hate being depressing, depressed, whiny, whatever, but everything I've been doing, thinking lately has not worked, I beleive I just need to get it out.

So I'm moving. I knew I was moving. You knew I was moving. We both knew I wanted to focus on my studies when I moved to NY, and I don't like long distance relationships. I did one and hated it.

We got close, but I was holding back. I let go, and you pulled back. It was decided it would be best not to let ourselves get that close.

I can't quite pull ack once I've let myself go.

OK, I can, but then I have no emotoins anymore. Well, not "no" emotions, but what's the pointin being there then? Isn't the point of having someone you care about just that, they're someone you care about, someone special to you? Otherwise isn't it just someone you spend time with?

Part of me wonders why you even kissed me that night. Why I kissed you back.

I used to come first. When we were just friends, just two people who cared about each other, just not in any other sense then friends, I felt like I had something special. I had someone who I could trust and talk with about anything. Someone who enjoyed my company so much, they would come over late at night, even if it was just to sit around.

Part of me says not to type this up because I hate manipulation and guilt trips and blaming and anything of the sort.

Another part of me says I should type it up because it's how I feel, not a guilt trip and I always hold things in instead of saying how I feel and then end up not conveying how much I care about people.

Part of me says that I wish you wanted to move with me, then there wouldn't be this "oh no, can't get too close because she's leaving" deal, and we could just be.

Part of me says, I don't want you to move because that's not what you want. That would just be for the relationship and that's not a reason to move.

Part of me wishes you knew what you wanted.

Part of me wants to just be really close to you.

Part of me wants to hold back, maybe just not call again, just keep myself away because it, arrgh, becuase I don't know what to think and I'm just hurting myself more, it's a bad situation for both of us and I don't want either of us to end up hurt, especially by each other.

Part of me says "Elysa, shut up, stop being a freaking wimp, crazy, stupid girl, and deal! There is more to life than freaking relationships"

"Yes there is more, but currently I have a situation. Or rather I am in a situation. There are other people involved"

"The other person can tell you how they feel, which they have. You either deal or don't (aka get out of your quote unquote situation). Just shut up, get off your butt and stop complaining"

"You're right. I wish it were that easy"

"It is that easy"

"Then why do I end up crying. I DON'T cry. Things don't get to me. This is why I don't get close to people because , well yeah

ERG"

"just shut up"

Why is there just no easy solution, no black and white, no right or wrong.

Part of me feels I'm an idiot and this is just causing pressure and trying to grasp tightly to the little I have left of this relationship.

Part of me says if I don't say anything then I'll end up hurting you because I will just push you out of my life completely, not because I want to per se, but rather as a reflex, a habit of blocking m heart, putting walls around it.

I don't know how relationships are supposed to work. I just don't. I've never been in a "normal" one. One in which I was treated right.

What do you do when something inside of you just feels like it's supposed to be, but maybe it wasn't supposed to happen yet? Is it ruined?

Now that you've felt what it can be, how can you just forget it? Or how can you trust that it will be that way when it's supposed to?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH

Elysa get off your butt and DO somehting rather than sitting here and complaining. You can control nothing except yourself. You know you'll be ok whatever happens.

Yes, it's the limbo that I hate

This situation is harmful, I think you need to get out of it.

I don't know. . . . It's different then any other time

Maybe so, but you can't be there just for someone else, you have to e happy yourself. AND if it's so different, why do things happen like . . .
no phone calls just to say hello
not wanting to be close in that way, but caring about you
what kind of caring is that?

Maybe the kind that is scared if they get too close to your heart that you won't be ok without them. The kind that you've been through before, the entire reason you didn't open up before

Yeah, but then you did open up.

Maybe they just don't know what they want, thought they did, but changed their mind.

You know what?

What?

There is no way on earth you could possibly know how they feel. They are the only one who knows. There are so many possibilities.

Yeah, so what do I do?

Ask.

I feel like I keep bringing it up when I'd rather spend the time just being

But how can you do that if you don't even know how you stand? I mean if you are miserable, and holding yourself back, and puch them away, then you won't even want to "just be" anymore.

Some sort of decision(s) need to be made, and it can't be all you, or all them for that matter. Something does need to be decided though, because you waste too much energy worrying about things you can't control.


Anyone who got through this, I commend you, LOL.

I hope everyone is well

I think I need to rent a movie.

IAM going this time.
:)~

Current Music: Travis - Flowers In The Window (Final Show Of Man Who Tour 10-5-00)