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A message from another world - a world of possibility
A message from another world
So I'm visiting my brother at a school called HYDE. I'm not sure if anyone has ever heard of it, but it is a boarding school and they work a lot on character developement (development?).

We had something called a "seminar", basically there is a focus and you are given homework to journal on before the seminar and discuss what you've written then you get feedback. You cannot defend yourself, you are supposed to just listen and let things sink in.

The "theme" this time is failure/success. Maybe I'll type up the exact homework that was given when I get back home, but currently I'm workin on a time limit.

I discovered something today, or rather something I've always known, I just verbalized it.

For anyone who read my last entry (prolly very few since it was a LOOONG one) I have someone special in my life, and I was having trouble recently,. it was getting too intimate, not necessarily in a physical sense, but in the sense of letting someone in emotionally.

I wrote myself something to try and help myself
I must live my life and those who choose to be in it because they enjoy my company are free to join and leave at their will, but I will not change.

Rather then spend time worrying whether they are coming or going I shall enjoy their company while they are present & continue with my life & new lessons when/if they choose to leave.

This helped me feel a bit better, but not too much. I still didn't know why I was having so much trouble, why I was fighting to let anyone get close, I mean I know I've been hurt, but logically when I can tell myself the things like I did above, it should not matter that I've been hurt, but that I am me and have gotten throught the hurt.

Then today in the "seminar" it came out. I was in a 3 year relationship, at the begginning of which I was confident and had many friends, and was going to college. At the end of my 3 year relationship I didn't know who I was anymore and had isolated myself from my friends.

All throughout highschool, I may have wanted a few more friends, or to be a little more "popular", but never enough to change anything about who I was to suit other people. Then I end up changing for a boy.

I never wanted this to happen again. I became strong, gained a strong sense of self, no longer care what anyone else thinks of me. I can walk into a room of 100 people I've never met before, by myself, and just have a good time. I have goals in life, especially career wise, and many people have attempted to discourage me. I still forage ahead.

I may have friends. I may be close to people, in that they can tell me anything, they can trust me, I'm dependable, and I always have fun and feel on the same level with.

On the other hand, I never let anyone get too close. I neverwant to change who I am. I never want to lose my sense of self like I did before, for anyone. I fear that if I get too close to anyone, let anyone get into my heart, I may lose myself again. Instead I guess I find it easier to push people away, keep them at a distance.

It feels good to get the problem out there, now maybe I can work on it. I'm ready to take that leap and let someone in. I want to, I need to, and I think I'm ready to.

Before this happens, I'm asking one thing of you (I beleive you know who you are) decide if you are wanting to take on this responsibility. OK, I shouldn't put it that way.

Let me say this instead
Doing what's best for (them, you, relationship - in this case me) is not always what will hurt least, or what we want most

OK, that's not even coming out right. Basically, if you want out, get out now, if you have any doubts, don't think you feel the same way about me, have found interest elsewhere or think you might, then step down from the plate. Thank you for the time we've spent and all I've learned, but I don't want anything but certainty (well no one can be %100 certain, we are human, but I think you understand what I mean).

Otherwise . . .I will assume you want to take this on with me and the more power to you.

And she's off, prolly for the rest of the weekend.

I hope everyone is well.

3 comments or Leave a comment
From: iluv2sng Date: April 26th, 2002 11:17 pm (UTC) (Link)

Listen to me: You are the most put together person I know. You have your values in line, and know what you love. You will never let yourself forget it.

But, can I tell you something? Bad relationships make you lose yourself. Good, healthy relationships make you realize and rejoice in yourself. Your mate should make you realize your individual talents, respect them, rejoice in them, and stimulated to discover more about yourself. You should see yourself in the other person. If you do, you will never forget yourself. Then, the exciting and wonderful part in a relationship should involve some sort of change... I mean that you have the freedom and privledge to decide how you will change... that is conform to be half of one. (one being the relationship.)

Now, you might say that I have no right to say this to you, because I have never lost my identity in a relationship... but in somways over the last few months I lost my identity without one by denying what I love...and conforming to forgetting what makes me love life. If you have the gift of someone who reminds you who you are, who you have the chance of being, and lifts you up just in conversation or in a smile... you have a gift. Don't be scared...or rather... let yourself be scared. Commitment and happiness are scary things, but they are worth it when you find yourself... when you are lifted up by the person with whom you share your company. Don't let yourself push away good things... you deserve good things.. you are not conforming if your partener loves you for who you are...

With the things that have happened to me and how I have changed in the last few years, I realize that I have forgotten how to enjoy the things I love. But, the difference is that I never had a person to change me or take my identity away. I had a college situation with no theatre and a drab choir. I had no time to do the extra curricular activites that were what I thrived in and enjoyed.


ps- I went to see "Eddie from Ohio" the band tonight. It was AMAZING. they are my new favorite band.... have you ever heard of them? I just came back from being out dancing... (aren't you proud of me??) hehe. This is "Spring Frolic weekend) so there is a lot going on. I really thought of you a lot and I wished you were with me. : ) So I thought I would sign on to see what has been going on with you... come to find out that you wrote this things to vent and explain your situation this week.
musus From: musus Date: April 27th, 2002 12:49 am (UTC) (Link)
I'm happy that you discovered something about yourself (your current self). When do you get back from hangin out with your bro? (Tell him I said hi, by the way, please) If I'm still in the area, I'd like to get together. I have sooo many thoughts I'd like to talk with you about & get your thoughts on. Like I've said before, you're a spectacular person. You know you are.

One last thought that my weird little brain just thought of...
When you're lying on your deathbed, at the age of 92, will you be able to tell me you know yourself completely?
moowazz From: moowazz Date: May 9th, 2002 07:11 am (UTC) (Link)

nope, never
3 comments or Leave a comment