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You are a complete and whole person. You feel fulfilled on your… - a world of possibility

You are a complete and whole person. You feel fulfilled on your own. You have much, much, MUCH going on in your life including: Acting (in general AND the play you are currently in), Swing Dancing, moving to NY, finding and apartment in NY, making sure your roommate and yourself get along, singing, painting, wanting to take aikido, more rockclimbing, more swing dancing, your book (if you ever get back around to working on it some more), your kitties, all the H&R and other work you need to do for your career when you move to NY, finding classes in NY that you can audit, or even take for credit, and seeing if there are any open spots, and so on, and so on.

You met someone who you enjoy being around. You were friends and hung out and always had a good time. You found he had the things you needed in order to "date" (really bad word, but I'll use it for now since no better word has come about. You weren't going to do anything since you were moving PLUS that wasn't what you needed then.

Someone special to you who made you feel special. There that's a bit better then "dating".

You knew you were moving to NY. When things happened between the two of you, it was made clear that when you moved to NY your focus would be on your studies.

You spent time together. You got close. It happened to be bad timing because the next 4 or so weekends you were going away. You didn't feel the need to call everyday. You missed him, but not in the obssesive "I need to be with him now" way, more the get out of the shower waiting for your friend to shower "*smiles* warm fuzzy feeling" that will be satisfied when you return and therefore there is no need.

Some things were going fast, well not necessarily fast, but became more about the thing then the feeling. Also you have never experienced the non-neediness, at least on your part, and this scared you.

You think you know exactly when it happened, you were almost crying at one point because of a flashback to previous experience, but did not share this with them. You don't like to coplain or be a "poor me" type of person. You like to be a self-sufficient strong non-complainer person.

There was a talk. Before the talk there was discussion of a scene that was to be done for their class. Their scene partner was flirting with them. They said they just wanted to be oblivious. Then came the talk. For some reason they connected in your head, because your head is messed up from how you've been treated by every other guy in your life.

The talk goes along with the nightmares that always come near your breakdowns. The ones where they cheat on you, you catch them, and they do not care. The nightmares had started recently.

Only, this time it's a bit different. They aren't not-calling, guilt-tripping, or being untrust-worthy. Instead they want to stop the intimacy until it's true, not just for the sake of being intimate.

PLUS they're not sure what we are, how to define "us".

You still want to be intimate, but in the way it was supposed to be meant, you want to try and see if you can get it right.

Then you think back to the talk and when it happened to come. Maybe they're telling you all this because they realize they were not ready to be in a serious relationship and they are feeling things for others, feeling attracted to others.

You realize maybe the reason they wnted to be intimate in the first palce was becuase there was SUCH a lack since you are not a touchy feely person by nature and there-fore it was because they could not have it that they wanted it. Reverse-psychology type stuff. They say no, but if it was unconsious they would not know. They say they care for you because of you. They say they want you around, they like what you two have right then, laying with each other, being close. They don't want to lose you, and they mean that, just that, NOT the way people want people around until they find someone else, someone to fill the void until they've found a replacement.

OK random amusing cheese because I needed a minute for my mine off of here

Which Angel would you be?
Angel Falls

LOL, wisdom, that's what I need, not what I've got currently.

anywho . . .

ok back to my debate with myself.

So the entire day was spent, ok not the entire day, but when you wasn't busy you was debating with yourself, or fighting rather, telling yourself that you are that happy complete person, and up until the talk were quite secure with the relationship. The other part of you kept creeping in saying that they want you only as a friend. And the uncerainty of knowing how they feel towards you was what was so nerve-wracking, not the possibility that you may only be looked at as a friend, but that you could be so unsure. You don't like being uncertain. You're glad they were honest with you though, no one has been honest with me, not to this extent.

There was another talk, this time intiated by you to end your confusion and figure out where you stand with them. You were told that you should act towards them how you are comfortable. They said that they are not running anywhere. They said they would treat you like they do any friend, how they deserved to be treated. Your mind goes "friend". They explain that you deserve caring, trust, compassion (not sure if those are exact words, but that's the idea) and that they care for you and that they aren't sure what will happen. If love will arise on either or both parts or towards a third party. Your mind goes "third party". They tell you that feelings can't be held back, or they can if that's what's needed, and in that case some things just weren't meant to happen.

You just want to kiss them, to feel close to them, to hold them.

But your hair smells like smoke and they are tired. You just lay in their arms. Are they attracted to someone else? Do they want you as just a friend and are trying to "protect" your feelings? When in truth that would not be protecting but hurting more.

These, your past ~ how much hurt you've had inside you (some of which only those who were there for the hurt know about and only the person I marry will know it all, that is if I marry-another debate) and your "intuitions" (explained in a minute) are why you don't share all of you, all of how much you care for them. You just say you think you care to much. Their respinse "there is no such thing".

There is if you're me.

Maybe they are being genuine and the "friend" and "third party" were not meant to mean anything more than possibilities and closeness.

On the other hand every other time you get these intuitions, when things pop out at you and you worry, you've been right.

Then agian not with them.

Then again, apparently some of it was right with them, it just took longer to come out, you were getting feelings of discomfort or uneasyness, or something bothering them and then came the talk.

You are confused again.

You don't like what you're becoming. Maybe you should just not worry about it, be happy to have someone who cares about you until you move because otherwise what you are currently feeling will be tripled, maybe even 100X more if they return the affections and then you move and they are here and nothing comes of it because you HATE (one of the few things you hate) long distance relationships. You had one and never again.

And now you've shared and wined and compained and shall be done with it. Maybe they'll read this and understand a little more of your confusion, maybe not. If not you may just get rid of the garbage in your head, ignore the intuitions, and be appreciative that someone wants to treat you right and hope they mean it.

I hope everyone is well.


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