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Overload - a world of possibility
So, there were some honest and genuine feelings shared last night. Concerns, confusion, unknowing. I wasn't sure how to feel, how to process it. I even cried a bit, and I'm not even sure why seeing how I think I feel the same way.

I feel comfortable and content living on my own. I feel comfortable and content with who I am. I feel a whole person by myself. There is no need for another to make me whole.

The feelings are mutual apparently, so why did this scare me?

It does not mean I do not care. It does not mean there is nothing brought to my life from the company shared. There is also no obsessive enjoyment. No need to share the company every day, no need to go to sleep in someones arms, no need to have them in my life in order to feel fulfilled with life.

Is this so bad? At first it made me insecure with the time spent together. If there is no need for me I am disposable, and one day someone who is needed could come along and I would be tossed aside.

I then re-thought this. Maybe it's just the opposite. If there is that need, that not being comfortable on your own, not being fulfilled unless someone is there, then would be the problem.

Let me explain this train of thought so it makes more sense. If someone always needs another person there, another warm body, another mind, and if you can't be there to fill that spot, it may be filled by someone else in a desperate wanting. If you can't get there, if you are away, whatever the scenario may be, if you are not there and they only feel whole when sharing the company of another, then it's only a matter of time until the spot is taken by another because of a need to feel whole.

Thank you to 14kslum for a line in their journal
I’m like a lost child sometimes in life and as much as I might hate to admit it, I do need other people in my life. I could survive without them, but I’m not just trying to survive anymore, I want to live.

Or in my own words, what it means to me, though they could mean something entirely different, . . .
I could be fulfilled and happy and content with just myself, but then I would not be able to enjoy life and learn as much as I do. I would not be able to grow as a person, become a better person, thanks to those around me, especially those who care enough to be honest no matter what that honesty holds in it.

I do ask one thing, along with that honesty, be truthful as to in what regards you hold me. If you are not sure, please figure it out, I do not need to be disposable.

And on that note I shall end since I've got stuff to do.

I hope everyone is well

3 comments or Leave a comment
14kslum From: 14kslum Date: April 24th, 2002 08:00 am (UTC) (Link)
well spoken (written actually) I agree...
From: choi_toi Date: April 24th, 2002 08:18 am (UTC) (Link)
the problem with monogamy, and polygamy for that case, is that it's used as an excuse for people to fill a void inside themselves. i have known countless people who cannot be alone, who must always be doing something with someone or they are devoid of personality, of happiness, of anything that gives them an identity.

unfortuantley, i believe that perhaps 80-99% of people in this world need someone or something to keep them company. if you are one of those blessed self-sufficient people (i know i was at one point, and am trying to make it back there) then it is extremely hard for you to interact with those that are not. especially if you let fear take over.

as the late and great comedian bill hicks once said, there are two paths in life - there is the path of fear and the path of love. the path of fear causes hate, jealously and ultimate insecurity. the path of love, allows you and others to grow and benefit. if you are afraid that this person is one of those people that needs something or someone, and you are afraid that this need will lead to your displacement - you must seriously consider your options. is this person "needing" you? if so are they utterly dependent on you in some way? if not, are you "disposable"? and how does that make you feel? and if you are concerned with your "displacement", doesn't that mean that on some level you need them too?

of course, i don't really have any answers, and am probably just ranting along in my meager way of trying to help.

all i do know, is that in my life - i have and will strive to no longer be dependent on any one person or thing, or for that matter (as i have known polygamists to do) to skip from one monogamous-type relationship with one person/thing to another.

my policy is to make the most of the moment, to live and rejoice in it - not to use people, but to not remain stagnant, stuck, completely lost and infatuated with one person or thing. i plan on giving as much joy as i receive.

i have learned a very valuable lesson recently: i am a wanderer, but i intend on never being lost.

i guess my point is that you must decide for yourself which path to take, and also how to structure your relationships with people, so that if they are the need-y type, how to handle them, and also to truly know if you're the need-y type too.

sorry if this doesn't make any sense. ;P
moowazz From: moowazz Date: April 24th, 2002 09:28 am (UTC) (Link)


very true.

The case here, we both seem to be independent and non-needy. I've just never been in that type of relationship and it is confusing at times.

Thank you for the input :)
3 comments or Leave a comment