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A topic of discussion *Moral (?) issue* - a world of possibility
moowazz
moowazz
A topic of discussion *Moral (?) issue*
So moral /ethic issue.

Is it wrong to date someone if you know that it will not be long term? Is that being exactly what I hate?

Basically here is the situation. I know what I need to have in a relationship for it to be long term, or anything more than just companionship. A relationship where I will allow myself to become emotionally attached.

If I decide to date someone with the previous knowledge that they do not fit these requirements, and therefore when I leave for NY, unless they have changed a great deal, it will end.

questions and dilemnas leading to the moral issue

1) What if, on the off chance, they become emotionally attached to me (this is a typical guy we're talking about)?

2) What if they do change (even less likely then the previous question)?

Does the fact that either of these are still possibilities make dating this person until then wrong?

Opinions please, be honest.

I guess that's it. I'm sure (if anyone responds) there will be discussion over some points.

I hope everyone is well

Tanks :)~

Current Mood: contemplative contemplative
Current Music: mozart - moonlight sonata

14 comments or Leave a comment
Comments
eyeboogies From: eyeboogies Date: February 25th, 2002 11:50 pm (UTC) (Link)
I think if you set requirements on people for long term dating you might miss out on a hell of a lot.
moowazz From: moowazz Date: February 26th, 2002 05:03 am (UTC) (Link)

you are absolutely right.

What if the requirements are things I can't budge on. Like being reliable, , faithful, etc.

I may miss out. Then again I may not, I'll have lots of good friends. (we can have the entire discussion if you are truly curious, otherwise I'll leave it at that :)~ )

Congrats again on finishing the film
the_end_effect From: the_end_effect Date: February 26th, 2002 01:58 am (UTC) (Link)
I think the right person for you, in a long term relationship, will always
break the bounds of what you think you need, and whether they fit those
pre-defined guidelines or not, you will love them unexplicably.

If there is anything there, I say go for it.
From: ex_invisible106 Date: February 26th, 2002 02:54 am (UTC) (Link)
Heh, didn't you give me this talk just yesterday? :oP
the_end_effect From: the_end_effect Date: February 26th, 2002 03:06 am (UTC) (Link)
Hey, dont blame me that youve started stalking all my
buddies !!!

And anyway, in those circumstances I was talking about you
and trying to convince you to "sod your rules" and fall
head over heels in love with me !

Moo, however, is merely benefitting from my huge worldly
love experiences ! *guffaw*
From: ex_invisible106 Date: February 26th, 2002 03:09 am (UTC) (Link)

Re:

heh heh fair enough :oP
From: aligator13 Date: February 26th, 2002 07:22 am (UTC) (Link)
I was actually just talking to my friends about this very subject on Friday. My two cents... if you truly know that it cannot be a long term relationship, that's fine. Short relationships can be a lot of fun, and you can learn a lot from them. The most important thing to remember (this being the conclusion of my girlie friday night) is that you both know that it is going to end. So let him know something like you are moving to NY and that you will need to concentrate on yourself at that time. Otherwise, it's just not fair for him.
moowazz From: moowazz Date: February 26th, 2002 01:37 pm (UTC) (Link)

What if they know I am going to New York, but other than that, nothing has been said?
From: aligator13 Date: February 26th, 2002 07:04 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re:

Maybe, if you are prepared to tell him when it gets close to the time for you to leave that you need to end it. That gets tricky, because you don't know if he will get emotionally attached before then. If he knows that it will end, then he probably won't. It also may not be fair to him if he is looking for something long term, and thinks that this might be it. I would talk tohim and see what he is looking for. Then make a decision of what action to take.
From: nolf Date: February 26th, 2002 08:14 am (UTC) (Link)
its not immoral, no.

but why would you want to?
saint_monkey From: saint_monkey Date: February 26th, 2002 08:31 am (UTC) (Link)
i think i have some insight to offer here. (this comes from a past life as a member of the air force (don't ask, and yes... i do regret being in the military.)

in 1991 i got involved with a relationship, we rushed things and got married (way too early) then i got shipped out to korea for a year. she followed, going to a base 300 miles away. needlesss to say, within 6 months the distance strained our relationship. we couldn't keep pretending, not at a distance, the separation and the hassles made us realize that the relationship was a sham. when we came back at the end of a year, we got divorced. i'm making it sound nicer than it wa, there was a lot of arguning an painful moments, it was the worst experience of my life.

fast forward -- two years later, i get orders to korea again. no biggie as i am not involved with anyone, and right then-- i meet this great person. but i wouldn't get involved, i only had six months, and i didn't want any attachments when i went to korea, after all, i'd been through all that, why would i want to go through that kind of pain again? but this girl, she was great, and one day, when i told her that i'd like to be involved, but i was afraid of pain and such a short relationship, she said that all relationships, even if they are perfect, end with someone getting hurt, and by trying to avoid all of that, you can hurt yourself more, with regret. she was like, "you want to, and i want to, six months is a long time, so stop worrying about the end of it, and let's do the six months already." so we got involved. at the end of it all, i went off to korea, and leaving was the most horrible thing in the world. so horrible in fact, that i knew--- i REALLY knew-- that leaving her was the last thing i wanted to do. so when i got done with the whole korea thing, and i got out of the air force, i went back and found her, and now we have been married for 6 years.

so what does that mean? it means a strong relationship with the right person can take a separation, while a weak one cannot. so if you think this is the right person for you, well get involved, it's the only way to know for sure, and keep thinking "i am bigger than this tiny problem" and by the end of it, you will be okay, regardless of the result.

saint_monkey From: saint_monkey Date: February 26th, 2002 08:34 am (UTC) (Link)
oh yes... i must hasten to add, the other person must know that the relationship woill be a short one, otherwise, it is sort of like taking advantage of them if you don't tell them up front...
moowazz From: moowazz Date: February 26th, 2002 03:04 pm (UTC) (Link)

What if they have been informed that you are going to NY, but nothing more than that. Do you sit down and discuss this with them, when they may not even be serious about it?

I don't care about being thought crazy, but how do you go about something like that? LOL.

I guess you just say "Hey, when I move, I'm not gonna be in a relationship, do you still wanna date till then? "

OK, that's simple and short, but it's much more complex in actuality. (Or am I just making it that way).
From: eternityknight Date: February 26th, 2002 09:05 am (UTC) (Link)
It is wrong to date someone when you know it is only short term -if it feels wrong to you-
It is taking advantage of someone if you manipulate the facts, and are not present with full disclosure of your intentions.
If he becomes emotionally attached to you, but you still aren't to him, that's not love. The emotionally healthy thing to do for both your sakes is break it off clean, don't apologize, don't give a 'maybe later' impression, EVEN if that's what you are thinking.
Even considering the option of altering your plans because he might 'change' suggests that you should assess your priorities.
If having a successful relationship is more important than adhering to the minutae of the preconstructed plans for yourself, then commit yourself in a productive relationship, and avoid a situation where change is the only way it would work for you.
Love yourself first, then accept life as it comes to you.
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