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Confuseamebedd - a world of possibility
Don't listen the way you have in the past
But listen with your heart.
For the important things in life
Are invisible to your eyes;
You'll hear them in your heart
For your heart will tell no lies.

I got that in an e-mail from a friend. It was only part of an entire thing.

So, how do I know when it's my heart versus my head? How do I know it's out of love versus neediness? How do I know when they're my feelings versus someone elses?
I've just been reeeally confused as of late. Looking at things from so many different angles that I'm no longer sure which way is up or which way is down. When will the hurt go away? It physically hurts inside. Is it me? Or is it something I created? I don't know.

I'm really excited about moving to NY. I really need this, especially right now. I've packed almost all my books (the bookshelves are emptyt), started packing my art stuff, have a bag of clothes.

Unfortunately my friend, it turns out, is not going to move. So I'm incredibly scared. I need to move but I have no roommate currently. I really need this to happen.

So I worked a double today. I needed money, so I worked a double. Correction I need money. It wasn't so bad, I think I could do that, I can do this.

I love all you all, so don't take this next part the wrong way. All this, all this stuff I just typed, this is were I get confused. I a;ways wanted to go to a close friend and just get it out. Instead I just feel tears behind my eyes, but then tell myself there isn't any need to cry.

Then I get all excited and happy and anxious (in a good way) about the good stuff. Then again, I tell myself not to get too too excited since my life is unsure.

I'm my own best friend, but it's hard to cry on your own shoulder and share happiness with yourself. This is something I'm working on and about to get a crash course in tomorrow when I tell my dad sara's not moving in. I'm searching for another roommate, but currently I have no ground beneath me and this is the moment I find out if I can fly or not.

At least I am living and experiencing!!!

I hope everyone is well.

6 comments or Leave a comment
eyeboogies From: eyeboogies Date: June 3rd, 2002 09:32 pm (UTC) (Link)
You'll figure it out. If you want it bad enough, and I think you do, you'll find a solution. Good luck though!
From: (Anonymous) Date: June 5th, 2002 12:18 am (UTC) (Link)
Being alone is a very hard thing to handle. But there come a time in everyone's life when they have to let go and do what they HAVE TO DO. You have planned for a very very long time for this. No matter how much preperation you have, it will never go as planned (trust me, I know). Ok so she isn't going with you, so what, you can still do it on your own. It's possible, you do have the ability to do what you need and survive. You've done it before, you can do it again. Just that family and friends wount be as close as they were before. Being farther away from your gorwn reality is a good experiance, and also one that you have to have (in my opinion). You've got a lot of growing to do. If you want to reach your goals, you have to do much much more personal growing. None of this petty bullshit that you have been doing latley. You are taking ther person you know and putting her in a completley differnt world. If your not carefull, it will eat you alive. This world doesn't care about you or anyone else, just remember why your there in the first place. It will be hard, and it's going to hurt, alot. You're not going to be in your covoted shell anymore, you wount be able to just turn around and go home. You will be steped on, kicked, spat on, and toosed out like a rag doll. There is no choice but to get back up, and fight for your possition in life. You've trained for it, learned everything you could to get where you are now. Just don't stop! Don't let the street get you. You have to keep yourself in your head. At some point in time you will understand what I have just told you. Take this advice and use it to your fullest, as little as you may not want it, or even think you need it. Utilize everything i have said and you should do ok. You are very nieve, but you have what it takes to survive, you know it as well as anyone else who has known you for more than a month. You can do it, just tell your self that you're stronger than they are, and you will be. Good luck shorty.
moowazz From: moowazz Date: June 5th, 2002 06:26 am (UTC) (Link)

Thank you for the advice.

I am still going. The apartment is mine. I'm currently in the process of setting up interviews with possible roommates. I'm never giving up my dream :)

It is a different world, and it will test my strength, and I'm glad for this, or else I would never grow.

I'm just curious as to who you are, if you wouldn't mind sharing.
From: (Anonymous) Date: June 5th, 2002 01:07 pm (UTC) (Link)
You're smarter than this. I think that if you read it again, you may beable to figure it out. If you really need a hint, try the last line. And if you think it's just going to be a little challange, you've got another thing comming.
moowazz From: moowazz Date: June 5th, 2002 01:29 pm (UTC) (Link)

I don't doubt it will be a difficult thing.

I will find out what I'm made of.

I've been told by people this is a city that will make or break you, it will see how far you can be stretched and survive and be all the stronger for it, or you leave.

I'm going to survive!

And I've grown much since I saw you last. I'm a much stronger person, I've also learned much since then.

But I don't need to prove myself to you or anyone else, I know who and what I am, and that is what matters.

I hope you are well, and if not I hope you change things so that you can be.
From: (Anonymous) Date: June 5th, 2002 02:09 pm (UTC) (Link)
I never asked you to prove anything, don't want your proof. I've read your jurnal, I've seen your proof. I'm just trying to give you fair warning. Take it or leave it. It's your choice, and your life.
6 comments or Leave a comment